Giant Inflatable Dog Turd Invades India

The giant inflatable dog turd known as Jade Goody is invading India after she escaped from her handler in Switzerland. The shit hits the fan: Goody may be offending the Indian people even more on their version of the show, Big Brother. She may be joined by Shilpa Shetty, a gorgeous Indian actress who Goody referred to on Celebrity Big Brother in the UK as 'Shilpa Poppadom'.

Goody is suspected to have had over $250,000 worth of plastic surgery, including liposuction. It appears that said fat suction hasn't done much good, especially on her fat head. Goody has, if you can believe it, a best-selling fragrance in Britain called Shhh... Jade Goody. I suspect shhh... is the sound she heard most as she approached classmates in school. Perhaps she can start a new fragance, Shhhit... Jade Goody.

And she's still working that creepy toddler-head look.



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Who The Hell Is Jade Goody?

If you don't know who Jade Goody is, you're probably not British and if you don't care who Jade Goody is, you're probably anybody but her Mum.

For the non-British: Jade was the "star" of Britain's Big Brother 3 and Celebrity Big Brother. Although some sites list Jade as an actress, I don't think pretending to be a decent person qualifies one in the craft of acting. Now, you may think I'm being a little hard on Jade, but trust me, what I'm saying is nowhere near as rude as the British press - they've called her a "cow", a "sow" and a "monstrosity." Isn't it great to know you're loved by your countrymen and women? This outpouring of hate spurs mostly from Jade's elitist and raciest comments toward an Indian actress appearing with her on Celebrity Big Brother and her general ignorance - she thought Saddam Hussein was a boxer and the British city of Cambridge was in London.

Anyway, she's telling the press that she'll be having more plastic surgery (she had liposuction before, but she claims it didn't work - she still has a fat head, but I don't think the doctors can help with that...) Specifically, she's having a boob job, liposuction and Botox. Her current boyfriend, Tony Cianciola, also plans to have a tummy tuck. Perhaps the three can triple-book with Ann Coulter and get personality transplants?

This also seems like the perfect time to pitch my own reality show: Trading Shame International. It would involve trading the worst examples of nationality between countries. For instance, we'd take Jade Goody, but Britain would have to take the Hogan family. I think it'd be a HUGE hit.