Monday, September 29, 2008

Wal-Mart Has It's Finger On The Pulse Of Modern Culture

Forever being known as the bastion of social trends, continues its dominance in judgment of pop culture. Recently, they've released a hot new music called "jazz" stolen mostly from people not allowed to drink from the same fountains at Wal-Mart headquarters in Butf*ck, Arkansas.

Now they've tapped into an even bigger trend: monogrammed flasks. I shit you not. I bring you, my readers, a flask full of what the f*ck. I think it's great! I plan to get a flask to go with my Faded Glory bong. Because, if I've learned nothing from recent manufacturing news - and I haven't! - it's that the Chinese are terrific at making intoxicating substances and paraphernalia. I mean, without them, we wouldn't have the roofie doll which caused pedophiles all over America to rejoice - finally, a practical solution for child molestation!

On a serious note: are you f*cking kidding me with this? An honest to God, grab-the-bible-and-lets-do-the-Charleston-flask? What late stage of alcoholism do you have to be in for a flask to seem like a good idea?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Introducing M-U-P-P-E-T Makeup

Now, you too can look like a skanky plastic doll or a velveteen Janice Joplin with MUPPET Makeup.

On a different track, how sad is it that the Bratz Doll has a more natural skin tone than Xtina?

Reality Show Quote Of The Weak

Nathan, 30, of Top Design Season 2 talking about his bickering teammates Preston and Shazia : "It's like I'm Switzerland and they're two pit bulls."

It's a great thing for him that he works with a visual media.

Britney's Future

Everyone's talking about how Britney's back and, while I must confess that neither of my balls are crystal, I actually believe that I've seen Britney Spears' future (as seen above). Come on, you can't tell me she doesn't look familiar. Plus, her taste in men seems to be about the same as well. It's either Britney's future, or Brooke Hogan's.

I'm Like A Bird

Oh shoot, y'all! This crackhead think she can fly. At least she's so pumped full of tranquilizers that she won't feel anything when she hits the ground.

We all know how this horrible warning ends:

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I'll Be Back Shortly

Hey guys,

I have good news - well, potentially good news... I may have found a publisher for my novel, A Million Ways To Be Cruel. Wish me luck!

But, between that and going back to school, I'm busier than a rabbit at an orgy. I'll have some more posts for you later on, but in the meantime here are some bumper stickers I made (yes, I came up with the quotes and created them in Photoshop), so you can slap them up if you have the Bumper Sticker App on Myspace.

Hope you are all enjoying your Thursday!

If you like them, you can get them off my profile.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Gay People

Clay Gaykin, seen cuddling with his new infant, Ricky Martin, Jr., has recently come out to the three people that had no clue. I must say though, he looks stunning with his toned-down red hair and pale pink lipstick. Judging from this photograph, I can only assume the father of his baby is K.D. Lang.

Dear Mr. Aiken,

Thank you for your application. As you can imagine, we at HOMO Corp. receive numerous resumes daily for which we just don't have enough positions available. While your experience and skills are impressive, we believe that we have located candidates that are more suited to our needs at this time. We wish you the best of luck in your sexuality search. We will keep your application on file for a period of one year and inform you should a position become available that matches your background.

Best Wishes,
Sir Elton John

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Disasterous Stand-up Routine Leads McCain Camp To Hire Out-Of-Work Comedian

After being booed off stage for his corny stand-up comedy bit at White-Aide: old white men helping other old white men, John McCain's campaign team has hired an out-of-work comedian (Jerry Seinfeld) to endorse their out of touch candidate.

"I'm John McCain and I'm an abacus."

I don't think this is a good idea, John. Do you remember the last time a public figure told the people to "eat cake"?

On another note, I know I make fun of the old man/dumb bimbo ticket a lot, so I've decided to spend part of this post helping them out. Now, this campaign has had a lot of problems getting hippie, pot-smoking musicians to support their campaign with rock songs from the eighties - which, incidentally, is the last decade in which John McCain could get an erection without the aid of Viagra - so, I've decided to suggest some new campaign songs.

Instead of Barracuda by Heart for Sarah Palin:

1. Stupid Girl by Garbage

2. Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry

3. Barbie Girl by Aqua

4. Stepping Stone by G. Love & Special Sauce

5. Fancy by Reba McIntyre

And for McCain:

1. Hip To Be Square - Huey Lewis and the News

2. Pork and Beans - Wheezer

Monday, September 22, 2008

Adderall Eyes All The Rage In Hollywood

If you shake a starlet on Sunset Strip, you should expect their eyes to jump around in all different directions, as if drawn on with an Etch-A-Sketch. Inevitably, one will get stuck to the bottom of the lens and roll around, useless at the rim. It's either a problem with blood pressure, or Adderall is making a comeback. Hey, at least these gals can follow a light with only one eye - does that mean they can only be half hypnotized?

The Sex and the City girls debuted their Adderall eyes at the DVD release party for some movie or another and, of course, no one can escape Audrina Patridge's crazy eyes - see how it's almost like their following your every move? I think she may have an extra chromosome or something.

Pamela Anderson Gets Acting Lessons From A Mannequin

You may scoff, but I hear his penis vibrates and plays music. Ariba!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Out of Afrika

American Apparel isn't exactly the classiest clothing company. Mostly, it's a store full of Fruit of the Loom knockoffs in bright colors that are supposed to pass for clothing. They also have a penchant for hiring models straight from seventies porn. But hey, they're hip cause they're on the Internet, right?

Consider this: you rarely see anyone of color in their ads, and when you do its always one with homosexual subtext. What exactly are they saying here? It's okay to be gay if you're a mine-or-itay? I wonder if they're like Aberzombie and make all minorities work in the stockroom where no one can see them.

It seems that, with their new tasteless line, they've gone way too far. The line is called "Afrika" - it's either supposed to appeal to Wisconsin hookers, or people that can't spell, possibly both. What ever it is, their model looks like she's impersonating Kelly Bundy after raiding Peggy's wardrobe.

Hell Hath No Anti-Freeze

Rumor is that Joel Madden (the crappy Good Charlotte twin, not the shoe guy) and Nichole Richie (the crappy adopted daughter of the Caribbean Queen guy, not the sister of the deaf guy on JDMA) are having major problems. Nichole is reported to have packed her things and taken little Harley Quinn to her mom's place.

Joel and Nichole, que passo? Were you unable to coordinate your Mensa meetings? Did Joel take too much time murdering music to make sure you weren't eating, Nichole? Has Harlow put on weight? Can you no longer share her wardrobe, Nikie?

That's it people! If these to well-adjusted, straight-laced pillars of our community can't make it I guess nobody can. Le sigh...

Dangerous Webcamming

In some people's hands, web cams are a dangerous thing. Admit it, I look hawt all pixelated. I bet Max Headroom's getting wood right now! I think Imma gonna try out to be one of those annoying people that tries to get you to go to a sex "dating" site on Myspace.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Cut Please!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt had their portraits revealed at an eatery named Cut recently, which is ironic, because that's what most Americans want to do to the two of them. The white-matted, white-framed portraits of Snow White and Cocaine-Malibu Ken were unveiled to a bunch of white people at the white restaurant at the white hotel, the Beverly Wilshire, in white Beverly Hills.

“It feels better than winning an Academy Award," Heidi and Spencer said at the unveiling.

Yeah, I'm not sure how those two think they know what winning an Academy Award feels like, but they should savor the moment because this is the closest they're ever gonna get.

On a side note, in choosing Jimmy "J.J." Walker to add a little color to the bland mix of vapid blondes, I was surprised to learn that he was used to being photographed next to vacant, ignorant white bitches. Observe:

Friday, September 19, 2008

Zac Efron To James Franco: "We should do it together, man."

I smell a sequel to Brokeback Mountain! Brokeback Pizza Delivery? Zac was talking about doing a movie with James directed by Gus Van Sant and thanks to the discovery by John Cameron Mitchel of a little something called pornography with Short Bus, I think I know where this one would end-up - other than straight to those dirty video stores where you use tokens and everyone stares at your crotch as you enter (not that I would know what that's like, but I've heard.)

James thinks he and Zac should play delivery boys. Yeah, that movie has William Higgins written all over it. As a matter of fact, I think William Higgins did write that movie. But oh James, you will go to any length to get fresh meat, won't you? Are you going to be able to find an excuse to tie Zefron up and lick some substance off his body before your both explode? I can hear the dialogue now: "I've got a girlfriend, but she doesn't do it as good as you."

I wonder who'll be eating the soggy pizza.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

XSpiffy Has Joined The 140-Character Revolution

I've always wanted to get a gift for all my readers here at Extra Spiffy, but I just couldn't figure-out what. Then, a little birdy told me: cheap. So, I thought I'd be extra cheap (and still spiffy) and get you all a subscription to my Tweets on Twitter, where I will tell you about all the twits I encounter on a day-to-day basis.

Hear that sound kids? That's the sound of me jumping on the Twitter bandwagon and gettin' all twitterpated. I'm still more of a thumpee' than Thumper, but I think I can still offend people in 140 characters or less. I'm just going to have to learn to type like Rachel Zoe eats and condense my sizable wit into that slim-fit, size zero wardrobe of hers.

Click the pic to follow my tweets, or you can see the most recent on the right side of the page below the Technorati badge, etc.

The Truth About The Kardashian Sisters

Caught without any translators, the Kardashian sisters are forced to use interpretive dance, wild grunts, and rapid arm movements in order to express themselves.

When asked about their IQs, the sisters respond clearly and honestly -

Khloe: 2
Kim: 1
Kourtney: (?) L? W?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Citizen On Patrol, Beyonce Knowles, Nabs Local Crackhead Tyrone

Tyrone Biggums, local crack-enthusiast was nailed by crusading avenger, Beyonce Knowles as she patrolled the streets of New York while making mediocre pop music for gay guys to bump bums to while drinking $30 cocktails and telling everyone how "bootylicious" their butts are in their new jeans.

With Beyonce on the case, Amy Crackhouse better be on her guard - she aint got enough matted weave to hide her stash in anymore. Beyonce has X-ray vision and superhuman jiggle moves with which to apprehend that particular trainwreck.

Hate Valentine Is Up And Runnin'

Hate Valentine is here, all!

In the 1800's greeting card companies started a holiday devoted to love and money - mostly money. They decided that they didn't collect enough moola from the Christmas, New Years haul, so they made up a holiday and devoted it to romance. So, I figured, if they can do it why can't I? And that was the birth of Hate Valentine.

Hate Valentine allows you to spread the hate to any twit and every pinhead year-round; as long as you have hate in your heart. Let's get one thing straight though, Hate Valentine is not about violence. We want you to make people cry without punching them - we want you to make them punch themselves and rock back and forth in the dark, cradling their torso while singing Lisa Loeb songs. We are also not fans of sexism, racism, or homophobia. We don't think there should be a limit to the people you can hate. You should be able to hate anyone and everyone with equal vigor.

Hate Valentine is currently looking for contributors: writers, graphic designers and photographers are all welcome. We will sell your designs on merchandise and make certain downloads (e-cards and wallpaper, etc.) available for download to promote your merchandise. All profits from your designs (if you are an artist that contributes designs) will distributed 75% (your share) and 25% (for further promotion of the site, so we can sell more of your designs). There is currently no compensation for written contribution, but it may be available in the near future (if it makes you feel any better, I'm doing it for nothing myself, so...) If you are interested in contributing, please contact me at

So visit and explore the glories of the hatred in your heart!

Chainmail Links

Announcement Of The NOW:

Sorry about the lack of posts yesterday... I am going back to college, so I have a lot to do before then. Also, for those of you that are unaware of it, I have Asperger's Syndrome, so I have to register with the Students with Disabilities Office, etc. I have a busy day ahead of me today, as well, but I'll try to get some posts in also. How's that sound?

Observation Of The NOW:

Joley Richardson takes her games of Dungeons & Dragons way too seriously. I wonder if the wizard gave her a +1 heart?

Linkage Of The NOW:

Christina Aguliera leans like a chola in her cat-eye eye makeup. Chu wanna start sumthin', homes? (Cityrag)

Wilting "sylist" Rachel Zoe is in desperate need of more preservatives. She's starting to look, once more, like the rotten tomato she is. (Jossip)

"He's just like Jesus in a wife beater," says Miley Cyrus Chippette. (Pink Sheep of the Family)

Is Jocelyn Wilderstein a cougar, or does she just look like one? (Best Week Ever)

Slutty Sienna Miller keeps mistaking her boobs for silly putty. (Agent Bedhead)

Don't sport moose knuckle to your office Halloween party. I gotta write that down somewhere. (9 to Fried)

Mary-Kate Olsen announces her new fashion accessory, Ugly Best Friend! Forget about all that anorexia nonsense and hire someone far less attractive and in need of both mirror and gym membership and - voila - instant improvement. (INF Daily)

Monday, September 15, 2008

Lehman Bros Clogs The Toliet As It's Flushed

In the latest inept game of Wall Street Monopoly, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy after landing on Park Place upon which the Fed had placed a hotel. Lehman Bros agreed to go to jail, directly to jail, did not to pass 'go' and did not collect $200. The banker later repossessed all four of it's houses, the waterworks and two rail roads. It's not all doom and gloom, however, as we hear that the Bros have recently been asked to judge a beauty pageant.

Perhaps their failure will compel the rest of the financial world not spend money like it's multi-colored strips of paper with trains printed on the back. Although, the way this administration runs our national economy, we may all be rolling dice to decided who has to butcher the family pet so we can eat for the night. Hmmm... I seem to remember President Shrub saying something about his support for pouring workers' retirement funds into the stock market (I'll take 1000 shares of Lehman Brothers, I feel a cold coming on and I'll need to wipe my nose.) Yeah, that's almost as great an idea as following antiquated "trickle down" economy theories that form the basis of the Bush administration's economic polices - despite the fact that they were a disaster in the eighties - and have caused a deep, almost insurmountable gulf between the have and havenots in this country. Great job, President Dipshit!

RIP Wentz

With all the talk surrounding major Hollywood names playing gay characters in upcoming movies - especially Sean Penn as Harvey Milk - Pete Wentz has decided to "bulking-up" for his bid to win the role of Rip Taylor in the upcoming bio-film, Rip Taylor: My Gay Life and Times. Turns out, Rip's not openly gay either. Hmmm... Yes, who could ever think that strappin' hunk of a man in a Ken doll wig could ever be light in the loafers?

I think they should cast Ed Westwick as Rip's secret gay lover, Liberace. No, actually, I take that back. Even Liberace would've gay bashed Ed Westwick. Straight people please take notice: I can say the word 'fag' because I am one - it's like the 'N' word for homos.

Also, have you noticed that Pete Wentz and Rip Taylor both have 9 letters? Coincidence? Maybe... Santa and Satan both have 5 letters. I smell a conspiracy! Someone alert Scooby and the gang.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Raisin McCain, Part II

Here it is folks, my response to the quasi-racist "Obama Waffles" Photoshop artwork: Raisin McCain - Now With Heaping Shovels Fulla Crap and Two Scoops of Religious Flakes!

On Sale Now: Kathy Griffin Double-Headed "Personal Massager"

I like Kathy Griffin - don't get me wrong - but with her second Emmy win, I think we're all gonna be seeing way more of the winged, golden idol than any of us really wants. I can only assume this due to the way she practically conceived a child with the first one. Her love of that statuette boarders on obscene and frankly, I hope she doesn't milk this one... That milk cow's dry, Kathy; it's time to put it out to pasture.

I will say though, despite some people saying that she's the "most grating woman on reality television", those people have obviously missed Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Every time I see Janice, I want to vomit. I wouldn't watch her show if I was paid $10,000 per episode.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Raisin McCain

I actually like and (mostly) agree with Matthew Rettenmund. But his latest tale of lackluster, somewhat lazy political dissidence is a little absurd. I'm sorry Matt, but giving a politician the thumbs down sign as his motorcade passes by is more the equivalent of Presidential Ding-Dong Ditch than the Boston Tea Party.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Cho (Hot) Mama

I'm a huge Margaret Cho fan - actually, I'm a 175-pound Margaret Cho fan, but I'm still capable of kicking a few asses and taking down names. I've been to every show - including the small comedy club bookings - she's done in Austin and even caught a few gigs she's done while I was on vacation in Seattle and New York.

Once, I sat in the second row at the Bad Dog Comedy Club (at the cursed location in Austin that has been remodeled five times for five new businesses and it always failed)! A cute guy looked out at the rest of the crowd and pointed me out to his friends that night. Then, during the show, I swear that Margaret gave me the eye. Margaret, if you remember me (and why wouldn't you), I was the devilishly handsome young man in a tight white structure sweater. Call me!

During the show we caught in Seattle, Margaret filled her comedy with her always hysterical and socially accepting message of understanding and personal fulfillment. I couldn't stop laughing and agreeing with her. Then, she was speaking about how unaccepting gay men can be of differing body types and she said, truthfully, that some men make you believe that "it's no pecs, no sex." I turned to my boyfriend and said, "you know, that's so true. It's great that she... wait a minute! Did that bitch just point at me when she said that? Oh, it's on girl!"

I've long since forgiven Margaret for that moment. I have even overlooked her hugging that thieving pit-stain Perez Hilton. Let's face it, I can't hold anything against Margaret. She could hug Hitler and I'd be miffed for about 20 seconds at most. There's just no staying mad at her.

Her new show, The Cho Show on VH1, is equally gut-busting as her tours and I tune in religiously. I'm so glad that VH1 put it on the Thursday night line-up, because I had nothing to watch on Thursdays with My Life on the 'D' List finished for the season. I think The Cho Show should be changed to an hour-long format; then we could invite Margaret and her extended family into our homes for an hour every week!

Because of my love of Margaret, I have decided to ask her to be my running mate in my bid to be Hurricane in 2009. Hurricane Shaun Industry/Tropical Storm Margaret Cho 2009. Please accept Margaret! Let's break the glass stratosphere!

Spiffy Linkage

Observations Of The NOW:

With all the "historic Presidential ticket" talking going around, I've been inspired to break some barriers myself. That's why I'm announcing that I'm running for Hurricane in 2009. That's right people, I have started a petition to change the name of 'Hurricane Sam' in 2009 to 'Hurricane Shaun Industry.' I want to break the highest ceiling of them all, folks - the glass stratosphere!

Please sign my petition so I can rock you like a HURRICANE in 2009!

Oh, and here's something I just noticed:

This just screams jail bait. She's wearing several shades of glittery eye makeup and candy jewelry, people. This has To Catch a Predator written all over it. But hey, at least you'll get to meet Chris Hanson.

Linkage Of The NOW:

In a rare moment of lucidity, Jessica Simpson lets loose with a silent, chilling scream for help. (Gawker)

Val Kilmer's single-handedly trying to start the male baby-bump trend. Good Luck, Val! (Candy Kirby)

Charlie Gibson proves Sarah Palin has lipstick for brains. (Jossip)

Pamela Anderson: tattoo on her left arm or age spots? You decide. (Webster's Is My Bitch)

I truly believe God has an excellent sense of humor, and here's some proof. I'm filing this one under appropriate signage. (Pink Sheep of the Family)

See, I thought that Beyonce beheaded the other two girls from Destiny's Child to absorb all of their combined knowledge and power. There can be only one! (In Case You Missed It)

Girl, you look like a cheese souffle with blueberry topping. The photographer should've blurred your face! (9 to Fried)

The wind has blown across the "Great Divide" for Sarah McLachlan. Something tells me it's back to Lilith Fair. (Gravy and Biscuits)

Speaking of Jessica Simpleton, what gay pride leopard did she skin for that outfit? (Just Jared)

Rant Of The NOW:

Can I ask, is real journalism dead? I mean, I'm volunteering to help evacuees from the East Texas coast, but why is every journalist from San Antonio to Austin to Odessa trying to make it sound like the Ike's smuggling nukes into the country to destroy each of their respective cities. It's sickening to think that actual people have and will be hurt from this hurricane and while some people are waiting with baited breath for it to make an unpredictable turn so they have something to say on the evening news. Sad.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I Know We Can!

Here's the pro-Obama music video for Boy George's song, Yes We Can, which includes spoken word by the Illinois senator.

Ike Prepares To Do To Texas What He Used To Do To Tina

Hurricane Ike looms in the Gulf of Mexico today, Thursday, and it's gaining strength from the warm waters there. Gov. Rick Perry has ordered state resources around the Texas to prepare to aide evacuees with fuel, medical attention and shelter. Currently, the hurricane has changed paths and is headed East toward Brownsville, TX and Houston. President Bush has promised aid at the national level and declared a state of emergency for the Gulf states.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Hills Have Eyes

The only "reality" show that still manages to have more plot holes than an L. Ron Hubbard novel, The Hills, is my personal vision of hell. Should I ever become tied to chair and forced to watch episodes of this asinine show, I could easily envision myself gnawing off a limb (or three) to escape. We're not talking Sophie's Choice here people, I mean I'd kill or die just to get away from this horrid abortion of entertainment.

All of this is why I am shocked to see and advertisement referencing The Hills and using the acronym 'I.Q.' and the word 'knowledge' within the same sentence without using the phrase, will disintegrate if they come into contact with this show.

I'm sorry, but I have to go now, I had to look at a lot of pictures from the aforementioned show and I'm not feeling well. Ouch, my soul!

Site News!

Guess what? This blog's name has been changed to Extra Spiffy to fit with our change in format and focus. Never fear, all the old Super-Fantastic Plastic links and URL will still work. I have the the domain name registered and plan to keep it permanently and the blogspot url has not and will not change either. I own the name also, but it doesn't yet link here - so you can just keep on a' linkin' with the old SFP.

Urine Luck

This Just In: Lily Allen drinks Amy Whinehouse's 125 proof urine, claims it gives her magical powers. This bitch crazy!

Pete Says He And Ash Are 90% Sure It's A Boy

90 percent sure? I'm 100% sure that's the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever heard. I betting there's a 90% chance its granddad is the real father. There's a reason why people use sonograms and not a Magic f*cking Eight Ball!



And this he reveals to Playboy magazine - Playboy? Seriously? Will men in America consider tapping anything in eyeliner? Actually, that's probably true. But I mean, come on, do writers at Playboy have trouble telling the difference between girls and boys too? I guess he was too prissy to be interviewed in Playgirl's pink pleasure place down by the river.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Brody Jenner Tries Feebly To Defend Himself Against Chuck Norris

If Chuck wanted you to make jeans Brody, he'd have skinned your family, strapped you into a chair and made you sew and bedazzle them yourself.

More Michael Jackson Projections

Photos of a projection of what Michael Jackson might look like today if he never had any plastic surgery has been released recently. In recognition of this photos popularity, I've decided to give you some of my own Micheal Jackson projections. I've added Michael when held to close to a flame and Michael aged 327 years.


Bobble Heads

Something about this photo cracks my shit up. Shouldn't all three of these women be on some homeboy's dashboard somewhere neither agreeing, nor disagreeing with everything going on therein?

(Photo from INF Daily)

Monday, September 8, 2008

"The Hills" Are Alive With The Sound Of Stupid

Alcohol not killing off those pesky brain cells fast enough? Want to write about boring, vapid things like shoes and haircare products that only other boring, vapid, potential mentally ill/challenged people will read? You may be in luck. MTV is looking for The Hills' Super #1 Fan Blogger, TOTALLY AWESOME! LOLZ! To be head empty-headed bimbo blogger at their site!

There are just a few rules:

1. Don't be fugly - we want a picture to prove why anyone should care about your opinion.

2. Don't be gay - this is The Hills, not West Hollywood.

3. Don't be a Democrat - LC and Heidi are totes repin' Repubs, dog!

4. Don't be educated and misspell words for totes CU2 and kewl consequences, yo!

I think I'm going to apply for this! Give me a minute, I need to go hit myself in the head with a claw hammer a few times.

Shannen Doherty And Other Dangerous Animals

Hello and welcome to our Hollywood Safari, kids. First up today on our amazing journey is the wild and dangerous Shannen Doherty. This species is known for it's ferocity, so there are a few safety rules you need to keep in mind at all times, should you encounter one in its natural habitat.

1. You musn't look Shannen directly in the eyes; she could mistake this as a sign of aggression.

2. If she should charge at you, beating her chest and removing her footwear, it's best to run and climb a tall tree. Shannen isn't much of a climber and she should exhaust herself waiting for you to come down.

3. Shannen consists solely on a diet of tic tacs, Perrier and vodka - to introduce new, substantial food into her environment could be catastrophic.

4. Should you find yourself face-to-face with a wild Shannen, curl-up into a ball and make small whippering sounds to assure her that you are subserviant.

Next on our list, the exotic and deadly Naomi Campbell. I must remind you all to reliquish your cell phones at this time for this portion of our tour.

Lost Jonas Siblings Revealed!

Millions of dollars are made from the Jonas Brothers and their merchandise worldwide and no one would want to stop the gravy train of rainbow stickered, pony earmarked money from rabid and brace-faced thirteen year-old girls (and a few effeminate boys with incestuous fantasies) from coming down the tracks and making it a (very) gay Christmas. But what if something awful were to happen to the real brothers? Fear not, Jonatics, for I have gotten permission to reveal to you the lost Jonas siblings: Latoya Jonas, Sarah-Jessica Jonas, and who could forget Batboy Jonas?

Now, keep in mind they're all adopted, so we had to settle for a bunch that just happened to look alike. Still, I think you'll agree that they'll have teenage girls giddy with anticipation of their sold-out shows all over the nation as they prepare to take the place of their siblings, should a "Code Hot Pink" emergency ever come to pass.

Kendra Wilkinson Impersonates Victoria Beckham

One of these things is not like the other!

I have a feeling Kendra's ass will be working at the Olive Garden whenever Hef sees what she did with her hair. Something tells me that the carpet doesn't match the drapes either.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Top 10 Songs I'm Embarrassed That I Still Dance To In The Car

When you think one's watching and you hear a song playing on the radio and you get that urge to turn it up, it starts slowly. You feel your head start to bob and then your left foot starts to tap. Then, you start to drum on your steering wheel. You know your going to start singing and rocking out soon. And, if you're really, really brave, you may start to head bang or play nonexistent instruments. We all do it... that is, until someone in the next car notices and falls over laughing at what a huge dork we are. Until then though, we're mobile rock stars in the car.

This post is dedicated to all of those about to take their cars to go shop (we salute you!) - The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Songs That I Still Dance To In The Car

10. Highway To Hell - AC/DC

9. I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue

8. Let's Hear It For The Boy - Denise Williams

7. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynayrd

6. Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benatar

5. I Love Rock n' Roll - Joan Jett and The Blackhearts

4. Dancing Queen - Abba

3. Causing A Commotion - Madonna

2. The Warrior - Patty Smyth and Scandal

1. Rasberry Beret - The Artist Formerly Known As Some Weird-Ass Symbol, Prince

Friday, September 5, 2008

Celebrity Stinkfaces: Jennie Garth Edition

As Jennie prepared for her photo shoot, she knew she sensed something unpleasant nearby. She couldn't quite place it. Had someone left the gas on? Were there threatening homeless approaching? Why was she getting that awful feeling?

Oh, it's Shannen Dougherty.


Don't miss the other stickface editions:

John Mayer's Pepto-(A)Bismol Inspired Stinkface Music

The Many Stinkfaces of Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port

Jessica Simpson's Stinkfaces

Borg Queen, Cindy McCain Fights Off Alegations Of Humanity/Plastic Surgery Addiction

The painfully slow, stroke-victim pace of Cindy McCain's presenting speech for her husband made even diehard (with prejudice a vengeance) Republicans want to stab her with her lime green stilettos and her appearance at the event has the Internet doing back flips trying to find-out exactly where she and her plastic surgeons went wrong. Seek no more, Internetteers, I have the answer. The fact of the matter is that a team of surgeons worked round the clock to fill the dried-out husk of skin that is McCain's wife with Collagen, Restylane and oxygen so that a campaign associate could pinprick her and allow the air to slowly leak out in the form of what vaguely resembled a speech.

Her face was so tight I'm sure McCain handlers had to coat the roof of her mouth with peanut butter to make it look as if she were actually moving her lips as she spoke. Another uncomfortable moment came as she tried to display emotion while holding a human infant. If she tried to smile any harder, I think her face would have shattered.

Note to John McCain: Don't release the Borg Queen until it's time to enslave humanity.