Sunday, August 31, 2008

The Many Stinkfaces Of John Mayer

Vacillating between constipation and passing a kidney stone, John Mayer has many stinkfaces. The man's a singing Pepto-Bismol commercial. Watching him perform is almost as painful as listening to his music. It makes me wonder: if he knows it's that bad, why does he keep writing it?

Well folks, I'm wishing you a happy Labor Day! Stock up on the Pepto!

Did Lindsey's Ex, Calum Best, Give Sarah Palin Crabs

Millions of women worldwide suffer from depression, low self-esteem, drug addiction and alcoholism. Still, none of these are excuses for sleeping with someone who is basically KFed with a British accent. How does this receded hairline, pugly dude get any play at all? Are women more forgiving than gay men? Is Rohypnol his wingman? I'm filling in the 'all the above' bubble as my guess.

In an interview with a forth (or fifth)-tier magazine, Now Magazine, Calum Best claims to have slept with hundreds of woman - and I'm betting a few Filipino drag queens.
"I’ve never told anyone I love them. Because I never do," says the British trailer trash "star."

"I’ll be into someone and then, two weeks down the line I’ll be looking at her mate thinking: you’re hot! Looking over her shoulder thinking: I like you!"
Looks like Tucker Max has some competition in this year's Misogynistic Douchebag of the Year Awards. So, did Calum give Palin crabs? Nah, this guy's so embarrassing he doesn't have crabs, his crabs have Calums.

Wacko Asho?

Did Michael Jackson do something special for his 50th and run off to get "the Madonna" (Volumetric face lift)? His once skeletal visage now appears plump, almost portly and pregnant. Examine the eerie similarities in the picture of the ghostly-white pop star against a picture of Ashlee Simpson - aside from the coloring (Ashlee could more easily pass for black than Jacko) - they have the same nose, the same mouth, same (butt)chin, the same horrible taste in eye and hat wear... They look like twins or, dare I say it? Sisters?

First, it seemed all people in Hollywood were going to be drum-tight and Kabuki masked; now it appears that they have their hearts set on looking uncomfortably bloated. Injectable fillers manufacturers must be thrilled. It's a Thriller!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Republicon Candidate, John McSoundwave, Chooses Blackarachnia As Veep

In a strange turn of events, the Deceptican Presidential candidate, John McSoundwave, has chosen Sarah "Overdone and Short" Blackarachnia as a running mate on the Republicon ticket this November in their bid to be rulers of Earth... I mean... uhmmm... leaders of the nation. Yeah, that's the stuff... LEADERS, not cruel overlords.

Blackarachnia Palin strongly believes that no human child should be aborted, as this would deny her the right to fatten them up before they stumble into her web and she eats them. She also believes that America should pump more money into weaving and trapdoor making and less on solar power (she's afraid of bright lights) and wind energy (large gust make it impossible for her to lower herself on a single strand with any precise trajectory).


Meanwhile, John McSoundwave calls upon support from his two oldest friends, Senator Lazerbeak and Congressman Rumble.

I Am Proposing Marriage To Whoever Thought-Up This Ad

An icy wind strikes me right in the chest as I plunge myself from the safety of my homestead and my beautiful "wife" Bill, grab my pink tri-corner cap and mount (heehee) my "horse" to warn Minne Apolis and St. Pauly Girl - the drag muthers in charge of the respective cities - about the coming (bull)shit storm. I shout into the night, "The GOP is coming, The GOP is coming!"

Now that the GOP is headed to the Twin Cities for their pity party... er... convention, a site called is urging everyone to make the effort to ungay for a few days so that the Decepticons Republicans feel more at ease. Design store owners are urged to hang neon signs advertising beer and calendars featuring marginally attractive, half-naked women. Citizens of both cities are further prompted to ignore any activity occurring in public restrooms.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Disaster Television

While watching the History Channel and learning of our impending doom whenever a meteor collides with the North Atlantic Glacier and melts away the icy tomb of Megatron who will use the Allspice to turn the planet's machines against their human masters and we're killed by our waffle irons, hairdryers and fax machines, I realized the enormity of the disaster television market. Obviously, we all like to be told in exact and horrible detail how we're going to die. I have decided, therefore, to submit my own circumspective pieces on how I believe our world will end.

By my learned and scholarly estimation we will all perish in one of the following three ways:

1) No Woman's Land

The world's entire population is turned to exclusive homosexuality by the excessive coverage of male Olympians' behavior, bodies, and bulges at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. The show would feature commentary by whatever Focus on the Family moron can string together more than two coherent sentences. Our only salvation will come from Michael Phelps swimming upstream to the place of his birth to spawn at least 3,000 children. Unfortunately, he will have to sacrifice himself for the fate of our species, as he will almost certainly die from exhaustion.

Okay, I lied earlier - this is officially my last Olympics-related joke.

2) Death From Below

Madonna's vagina becomes so vacuous that it threatens to envelope us all. Chis Ciccone offers his nonsensical opinion on how Madge's vadge "sucks like a watermelon." Our only hope will be that Tommy Lee can unwrap his massive manhood quickly to plug Hester's hole.

3) We're All Screwed

Darth McCunt wins the election, starts firing nukes at half the known world when he finds an apprentice strong enough in the Force. Cindy McCunt laughs manically as we all perish in a fiery, nuclear hell. As I said, we'll all be screwed.

Sk8ter Man?

Is it just me, or is Avril Lavigne looking extra skanky these days?

Pictures Of First Person To Undergo Modern Plastic Surgery Released

The UK newspaper, Daily Telegraph, has recently published a story with pictures of the first man to undergo modern (relatively speaking, of course) facial plastic surgery. The story misidentifies the man, a sailor named Walter Yeo whose face was injured during a battle on board his ship (HMS Warspite) during WWI in 1916, as the first person to undergo plastic surgery. This may be incorrect, as we have evidence that plastic surgery was being performed over 4,000 years ago in ancient India, reconstructing noses and ears by borrowing flaps of skin from the forehead and other parts of the body. There is further evidence that the Greeks and Romans learned of this procedure and adapted it.

In fact, an American, Dr. John Peter Mettauer , beat Sir Harold Gillies, the surgeon who performed the procedure on Walter Yeo, by 90 years when he performed the first cleft palate repair.

I would suggest that the Daily Telegraph restate that this is the first photograph of a person to undergo plastic surgery. Still, it's an interesting story, no?

Which Side Of The Moss Does Gold Grow?

British artist Marc Quinn has created a 110-pound statue of stick-woman model Kate Moss. Quinn reports that he was going to create the statue out of Moss' favorite material, but he knew that 110-pounds of cocaine wouldn't last ten minutes in the same room with Kate. Also, food was out, as the model hasn't eaten since 1998 - she's been living off scraps of that piece of lettuce in her teeth for years.

That's just what Kate needs, isn't it? A statue that will soon be worth more than she is.


Hello folks, sorry for the lateness of this first post of the day. I've been busy working on my novel with my editor on the phone and looking into going back to college - at almost thirty, mind you. So, I haven't had much sleep. That won't stop me from bring you the links you love, or love to hate.

Observation(s) Of The NOW:

So, I was watching VH1 last night waiting for The Cho Show and I sat through an entire episode of Glam God. If you haven't seen this show, it's a poor, potentially blind, completely tasteless version of Project Runway for people with even less talent than the mediocre designers featured on the current season of the later. It's hosted by Vivica A. Fox - a woman constructed in 1992 in the basement of the BET headquarters outta spare parts left over from En Vogue. Seriously, Vivica A. Fox. Who chose her to host a show on glamor? That smacks of an executive comprise more than an executive decision.

Then there are the designers: a group of ethnic stereotypes and gay clichés to rival the Runway with its cavalcade of annoyances. There's Bo, the designer that doesn't bother to spell his name correctly - it's Beau - and leaves me to wonder why the gay version of Luke isn't bringing in the General Lee, painted pink and lavender with diamond-studded stars. Then there's the Cuban guy who somehow hijacked Heidi Klum's accent. And they are joined by a host of other wannabes with fake names and accents and little talent.

Oh, and then, there's the stylists' mentor, Phillip Bloch. Lacking in sophistication and easy-going style, Phillip is no Tim Gunn. He's not even a Michael Kors and he's wearing too much blush to be Nina Garcia (by that, I mean it looks like he actually has blood in his cheeks). He's not wrinkled enough to be a Rachel Zoe, though he might have the gay husband... I'm still not entirely sure he's not just John Waters in a toupée.

If you're going to miss any show this season, make it this one!

You know, I've heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, I'm sure you folks can think of a few choice ones for this photo.

Linkage Of The NOW:

Michael Phelps puts the "special" back in the Olympics (Gawker)

Trent of Pink Is The New Blog constructs the world's most boring, masturbatory Mad-Lib with help from a new Hills twit. (Pink Is The New Blog)

Russel Brand to Pete Wentz: Do you know my name, Pete? And what's my surname? It's not Russel Brown, Pete. It's Russel Brand and I think you're going to know that name well, because it's going to be your surname soon - Pete Brand. (Pop Crunch)

Excuse Me? I don't think that was a very professional way to start a blog about me. I don't want to be connected to anything relating to the fact that I dress poorly and don't have an ounce of the same talent my sister does, says Solange Knowles. (I Don't Like You That Way)

Remember not to vote white after Labor Day, folks! (Jossip)

It's a great idea for Spiedi to open a bar - I'm betting most people, like myself, need an intoxicating substance to stand being in their presence without beating the crap outta both of them. (Just Jared)

McCunt plays the pussy card. (Snark Food)

It's a Thriller down at the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. (Pink Sheep of the Family)

Vote for our friend, Chris Illuminati in the Hot Blogger contest - I really want to see him work that tiara! (This is Illuminati)

Rant Of The NOW:

You know what I love? I love it when the people I talk about on this blog post comments on the posts about them and then expect that I have no way of knowing it's them. Frankly, I'd been waiting for Martin Richie to google himself frantically enough to read the post in which I bring his shallowness to light. First of all, Martin, as someone with a disability, I find it more than a little sickening that you're milking it for all it's worth. You never have anything interesting to say and as much as you speak about how you'd like to be an advocate and change the world, you're not doing anything about it. Real advocates devote time to charities, they do things to help others - and not for the photo op, either. It's not enough to have a dream, you have to work towards that vision.

And no, Martin, I'm not "jealous" of your "beauty". To me, everyone is beautiful (aside from the people that make themselves ugly by being oblivious to the struggles of the outside world). I have my own beauty - most of which can't be seen by any camera or on any television screen. I have nothing to be jealous about. I have my own gifts and talents. Plus, you know what, I'm not ugly on a purely aesthetic basis either, Martin. Hey, I may make fun of Pete Wentz, but I do bare a resemblance to the Emo weirdo and he's a model... Regardless of anything else, I've accepted myself for who I am and I like that person.

I have no aspirations of being a star. I do what I do because I feel it's what I was born to do. I write because it's in my soul. I like making people laugh and so I have chosen to do it on as frequent a basis as possible. I don't want to be famous, I just want to inspire others to speak their mind and do what's in their hearts. I don't want to be a celebrity, I want to be an example of what can happen if you keep doing what you know you want to do and never give up.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Honduran Catholic Church Loves Lucy, But Not Ricky

After Ricky Martin's announcement of the birth of his twin boys via surrogate - who is rumored to be his cousin - the cardinal of Honduras, Oscar Andres Rodriguez, compared the Puerto Rican pop star's method of child conception to trafficking in human life while speaking to an audience in Chile.

“What Martin did diminishes the dignity of a human being. You can’t just buy or rent life. It’s even worse when someone famous and in the public eye is doing it,” said the Catholic leader.

Yeah, Ricky, you can't just buy a baby! Who do you think you are? Madonna? Angelina Jolie-Pitt? Obviously, male children are much better in the hands of men who vow never to get married, wear dresses in public on a daily basis and spend copious amounts of time with boy's choirs.

Cardinal, do you hear yourself? Must every Catholic official fully illustrate exactly why the Catholic church is LONG overdue for another reformation or, barring that, a complete deconstruction as it rapidly looses relevance in a modern world? For God's sake, the Catholic church has resumed the selling of Indulgences! So you buy your way into Heaven, but not a baby - you can be the worst person in the world, as long as you support the corruption of one of the world's oldest and most rotten organizations.

I don't want to be racist, or anything, but I'm pretty positive that I could take $1,000 American to Honduras and buy a baby on the black market right now. To put it simply, Cardinal, your country has many more problems than a rich, famous, handsome (possibly gay) pop star conceiving children with a surrogate.

Pamela Anderson Rapidamente Especial Delivery Service Backlash

Are Americans no longer the most obnoxious people on Earth? Have the Spanish usurped our rightful titles as the asses of the world? Never fear, my fellow Americans, it turns out that the Spanish weren't actually referring to any characteristics of the Asians with their slant-eye salute, but instead endorsing their sponsor: Pamela Anderson's Rapidamente Especial Delivery Service.

There's been no response from Canadians. The Spanish National Basketball team, however, have extended their a hand to the "beaver trapping, snow-shoed, pot smoking, backwoods Cnuts".

And that folks, was my last Olympics joke - until 2012! Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Networks Conspire To Keep Homoerotic Behavior Between Athletes Only

ABC execs decided to play coy - at first - on the question of both whether former boy-bander and nonlebrity, Lance Bass would appear on Dancing With The Stars (he will), and if his partner on the show would be male or female. To be fair, the executives were damned if they did and damned if they didn't when answering that question. I feel the need, however, to point-out that they did choose to take the easy way out and simply pair him with a woman.

Personally, I felt it a little sophomoric and insulting to insinuate that just because he's gay, he'd be paired with another man. Shouldn't we question the sex of his heterosexual counterpart's partners as well? Why was no one wondering if Ted McGinley would be dancing with a man, or Kim Kardashian strutting the stage with another woman? Why is the later such a stupid question, but the question of Lance's dance partner's gender is par for course?

Being the fan of irony that I am, I must contrast NBC's coverage of the Olympics this year with ABC's homophobic conundrum. It seems that at least one network approves of homoerotic behavior... if all parties involved are athletes and publicly heterosexual - wearing shorts so tight everyone can tell whether or not they're circumcised. I guess what we can learn from this it that it's alright to embrace your bros and look longingly into their eyes on national TV, but if you start to slow dance, then the network'll have to slap one of those warning announcements about how it "may not be appropriate for all audiences" and that's just a pain, isn't it?

In short, it's a shame that the writer's strike didn't bring about new network executives. Perhaps we should consider stranding them all on an island and waiting to see how long it takes before they begin eating one another. Now that's entertainment!

And You Thought YOU Needed To Exfoliate Every Day

For those of you who aren't tremendous dorks, like myself, and don't watch the Discovery Channel, allow me to introduce you to the Indonesian tree-man, Dede. Dede injured his leg when he was fifteen and then began to grow bark-like warts all over his body. His hands became so infected that they are now deformed and he cannot use them for even ordinary tasks.

Luckily, he was able to reach out to the international community and a dermatologist from America flew in to see what could be done. First, they determined that the cause of the disease was the human papilloma virus (HPV). Next, they discovered that Dede's immune system was unique, but unable to fight off the virus, so he irrupted in bark-like protrusions.

The good news is that doctors believe they have found a treatment for Dede, whose wife left him and was unable to work because of his illness. They have prescribed for him a synthetic kind of vitamin A that should both halt the diseases' progress and shrink the warts to a much smaller, manageable size. Doctors also removed over 17 pounds of growths from his limbs.

Dede is excited to use his hands again and be able to support his family. He also looks forward to the possiblity of being able to get married once more.

The Coop Looks Like He's Enjoying Himself A Little Too Much

Look at what I found making whore-laps on the Interweb today. I always knew Andy liked the roughneck, ethnic boys but I had no idea!

Okay, so this is actually a shot of Anderson with the gang from The Daily Show. They're in character to cover the DNC with, no doubt, hysterical consequences. Still, Andy must be a great sport to go in for this knowing the jokes that will be made at his expense - and that's just counting the ones I'm going to make!


Scam Alert

This isn't a one of the funny, sarcastic stories I often post - don't worry, I'll be posting another one of those in a little while - but I think it's important that everyone knows about what could be a dangerous new scam.

A little bit about Internet scams and unethical placement on the Internet: It's a common practice for scammers and those that want to make money without actually having to pull-in an Internet audience to secure domain names that resemble those of popular sites. The rationale - a correct, but unfortunate one - is that people will often mistype the domain name they're actually looking for and land on the scam page, or be redirected to it. Recently, I mistyped and went to, which redirects to a place called (screenshot above). Needless to say, this is most likely not a real offer. No ethical company (in its right mind, anyway) would ever redirect you from a false domain and I'm betting Blockbuster has no affiliation with "". If they do, it's a very dubious, unethical operation. I'm more than willing to make the logical assumption that, should you be foolish enough to fill in the information on the landing page, then you will have your credit ruined and your identity stolen. I'm writing to the Blockbuster corporation right now to ask if this is legitimate or not and, if it is for real, advice that they stop this very seemingly shady practice immediately.

Beware people! As I often tell my parents so they can avoid Internet scams: if something about it doesn't make sense, it's a scam. Now back to your regularly scheduled hilarity!

Heidi Montag Apologizes For Her Music Career

OK, so she's only apologizing for "technical errors" in the digital upload of her newest abortion set to music, Overdosin' - you know, the one where she rips off the video for the Eric Prides' song, Call Me. Since when is gross lack of talent a "technical error"? Is she speaking for God, because if that's the case, I think the entire cast of The Hills should apologize in proxy for their Lord and Maker.

Too bad they can't Photoshop in a better voice for horsey Heidi. I gotta say though, she does work that Bandit.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm Declaring Myself Annoyed

Zac Efron wants you to vote. Too bad no one who gives a crap about Zfron is old enough to vote.

Pam Anderson's Actually The Final Cylon, Plans To Kill Us All

Is Pam the final Cylon?

Ladies, you should've already been taught this: eye makeup must end when the eye ends. You're not doing yourself any favors by charcoal-outlining your eyes so that they look drawn on. If you're going to use a magic marker as eyeliner, at least could you use the fine-tipped kind? It's a sad, sad day when an actual woman could take makeup tips from Pete Wentz.

When Bad Teeth Happen To Good(Looking) People

Okay, see, I thought that Veneers were the latest and greatest thing in cosmetic dentistry - the object being, y'know, not to look like you're wearing dentures. Judging from the photo above, it would seem I'm wrong. So, whose pushing the Chicklet, front door-sized caps in Hollywood?

I swear, people aren't going to be satisfied until they have blacklights installed in their gums.

HUGE Rant, Followed By Links

Rant Of The NOW:

Okay, folks, today you get the rant first! I'm hopping mad. It seems there's no honor among bloggers. Skid mark in the underpants of humanity and all-around fat sack of crap, Perez Hilton is ripping off this website. He "broke" the story about Chace Crawford's image being used for a dating site called WooMe (his post) almost an hour and a half after I did on this site (my post). I know that I was the first to report on it, as I did extensive research (I called everyone I knew and searched every online search engine - even Dogpile! Honestly, who uses Dogpile?) on why a company would be so stupid as to simply steal the image of someone famous, whose face is known to millions, before I posted - check the time stamp on my post. AND the ad had been up for at least three days before I decided to post on it, then the queen of all mediocrity's post miraculously appears right after mine. Guess what? Once I posted, I was the only one that kept coming up on the search engines. Of course, now there are like a gajillion sites copying Perez.

I wouldn't feel at all bad if my post had turned up on Pink Is The New Blog, as I am the one that sent the tip to Trent and I know that, should he have (or if he will fashion a post on it) that he'd give credit where credit is due. Perez, on the other hand... What a waste of breath that land-beast is.

People, here's a lesson: Perez Hilton is lying, thieving, miserable human being with no talent. He makes fun of other people to make up for his obviously piss-poor self-esteem. Look, I make fun of people all the time - most of them deserve it - but if you are going to poke fun at someone, shouldn't it be funny?

I'm so freaking angry right now!

Alright, fine... I'll move on.

Observations Of The NOW:

Tucker Max finally tells the truth -

Look at him, in all his baby balls glory! I love the 'Ta-Da' pose too. Y'know, the really sad thing is that my Photoshoped sign behind Tucker is actually more symmetrical than the real sign in the photograph.

Linkage Of The NOW:

Cat Woman might be crazy, menopausal cat lady, Cher (Pink Sheep of the Family)

Jesse McCartney still hasn't realized he's not black. (Just Jared)

Nobody loves John Mayer. Surprise, surprise... That's what you get for making out with Perez Hilton, you wannabe-rocker douchebag. (Celebitchy)

Katie Curic's attitude may be the only thing still "perky" (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

When no one was looking, Tom Cruise actually sang really well and danced with the beat. You go Tom, keep throwing them off track - they'll never realize you're not human. (Snark Food)

I'd "like to announce" several people are dead, but I think I'll have to put up a fight for the privilege. (Chris Illuminati)

Heidi Montag's Overdosin' on The Bandit (Webster's Is My Bitch)

Rant Of The NOW... Again:

Oh, believe me, I have many more rants in me, but they'll have to wait. I have work to do so that less witty and observant bloggers have stories to steal.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Well, Whoopty-WooMe!

Tell me, upstart Internet genius, what do you do when you want someone with movie star good looks to endorse your website, but you don't want to spend a lot of cash? Why you just steal their image and Photoshop it in, of course. Who'll know, right? It's not like thousands of people know exactly what Chace Crawford looks like, is it?

Good job, Hey, and you'll be sure to get Chace's autograph when your served with the lawsuit paperwork that's almost definitely on the way!

Marcia Cross Is A Man, Baby!

Felicity Huffman's decision in Transamerica may have been difficult, but it seems that her fellow Housewives star has no problem with that little conundrum.

So, uhmmm... Did she pee standing up? Was she the inspiration for Huffman's character? Where does Marcia hide her "candy"? How many licks does it take to get to the center of Marcia Cross?

Paris Falls Afoul Of A Bedazzler, Has Fake Hair

Attention: please keep Paris Hilton away from the Bedazzler!

Oh, and you should also disallow her anywhere near your dryer's lint trap - she might steal it to make her ghetto-ass velcro hair, The Bandit. Please Paris, let your talentless elves have the night off from making your transsexual, clunky shoes and ballooning your boobs to make the hair for you; they'd do a far site better than whatever princess you have trapped in the tower weaving straw into Lee Press-On Hair.

Pssst... Princess, her real name is Rumpelhilton!

Possibly Related Posts:

Paris Hilton Has Elves Make Her Boobs After They Finish With Her Shoe Line

Paris Hilton To Public: I'm Not Just A Bad Role Model, I'm Also A Bad Actress

Paris Hilton Sings, World Shakes In Terror

The "9-Inch Diet": You Cannot Expect Me NOT To Make Fun Of This

Ad-whoring ex-Whopper salesman, Alex Bogusky, has either written a new book or started a new ad campaign for The 9-Inch "Diet". You can't expect my dirty little gay mind not to go all atwitter with a title like that, can you?

But, unfortunately, common sense would dictate (ha! I said 'dic'-tate) Bougusky's suggesting that nine inches be the cut-off point for all things good in this world. If I might suggest a tag line for Bogusky's new opus, perhaps: Once you go black, you get fat? This is not at all the news I am looking for; after all, I love Italians. Mmmm... Italian sausage.

So, as you can tell, I'm dirty-minded and giggly today. What's long, hard and full of seamen? A submarine, you pervert! Haha! I'm going to go play in the sandbox with the other kids now - I hope they've found a way to keep the neighborhood cats from using it as a litter box.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

If New "Star Trek" Movie Sucks, There Will Be Blood

British dorks take to the streets of the UK with Klingon weapons to warn the normal, non-virgin public that the next Star Trek movie better not suck. To show their determination, they're using weapons that don't require any intellect, but do require the use of both hands.

James Martin, 47, emerged from his parent's basement in full Klingon battle gear, threatening police officers - I believe they're called bobbies across the pond - with his bat'leth while hurling insults in the Klingon language. It took two officers with arm loads of twinkies and supermarket porn to subdue the geek. Martin's mother doesn't know what got into him, she speculated that her son was only frightened from seeing the sun after years of living in the glow of the computer and television screens.

We can only pray that the spirit of Gene Roddenberry guides the making of the new movie.

Note: Yes, I made up the specifics of the story above, but terrifyingly enough officers in Gloucester have confiscated a Klingon bat'leth replica in a weapon amnesty. Also terrifying is the fact that spell check thinks I'm constantly misspelling my name, but it knows the correct spelling of 'Klingon'.



Quotables Of The NOW:

I found Jesus! He was behind the couch this whole time. I had to cut a jolly rancher from his beard, the poor guy. - Shaun Industry

Observation(s) Of The NOW:

Wow! Okay, so some thoughts have been stewing around in my brain juices for a while and I think they're about ready to be served.

Firstly, Axe Body Spray: if you shop for a signature fragrance in the deodorant isle at Wal-Mart, women (much less, men) will not be hitting on you. It's false advertising.

Secondly, what the hell is wrong with Jessica Simpson's face? Does she have an extra chromosome or something?

It's "beer plus" what? Narcotics?

Linkage Of The NOW:

Scientologists haven't yet cornered the market on bat-shit crazy religious freaks. (Defamer)

MTV previews its new show, Exiled, where it sends over-privileged, bratty teenagers to live with dark people and (hopefully) get eaten by exotic animals. I can only pray this show catches a huge audience before I join as a producer and send Paris Hilton to the ninth circle of hell. (Gawker)

Lacking talent and looks, Lance Bass relies on friend's cancer scare to steal limelight. Classy, Lance, really classy. (

Alright, fess up, who fed Amy Winehouse after midnight? (Snark Food)

Kate Moss claims she was "never anorexic", "I've always been a Christian," says Kate. Oh, Kate... You're so... pretty. (Celebitchy)

Ricky Martin finds a uterus - it was tucked underneath his "bon bon." (Pink Sheep of the Family)

Death Race is out this weekend. Careful, don't let Jason Statham catch you - you might get $500,000 outta the deal, but you won't be able to sit for a week! (Gravy and Biscuits)

Uhmmm, because the sedatives are so good Paula thinks she's winning an Oscar? (MSN Entertainment)

Girl-on-girl Olympic action time! (Yeeeah!)

Rant Of The NOW:

Okay, so a lot of people are calling me evil... I'm not debating that. Let me just say that I'm a new kind of evil. I'm the Olestra© of evil - I won't make you gain weight, but I might cause anal leakage. I have not yet become the Alli© of evil, as my anal leakage doesn't cause an "oily discharge" (i.e., Spencer Pratt).

To put it simply, I'm trying to put a bright, new, happy face on evil. I'm the Sandy Duncan of evil. But I don't have a glass eye - it's a Wheat Thin.

Okay, enough of my rant! Here's a link to Margaret Cho's blog (it's going in my blog roll right now)! I love her and I wish they'd done more publicity for The Cho Show on VH1 - watch and discuss, bitches!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Paris Is A Push-Up, Not A Push-Over, Bra

Paris Hilton continues to deny rumors that she has had breast implants. She claims, instead, that her sizable bust is due to her newly designed push-up bra. But I have it on good authority* that her breast were actually constructed overnight by the same talentless, possibly transsexual elves that cobble together her massively oversized, clunky-ass shoe line.

*My own

30 Seconds To The Jonas Brothers

Disturbing news, everyone; we have to go back to the future! That's right, I used the delorean to peek in at the year 2022 and the future for Joe, Nick, and the ugly Jonas brother... y'know, what's his name? Tito? It's not good folks. They become 30 Seconds to Mars. I know, I know...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the doucheist ones of all?

Hop in, I'll set the flux capacitor. We've got to do something about it.

Friday, August 22, 2008

There Will Be Hair Toupée

Does Joaquin Phoenix wear a hair piece? (No, that's not really Joaquin Phoenix, but there's an eerie resemblance, isn't there?)

I went to the dentist this morning, but I would discover upon my arrival at his office that he had asked colleague to take his appointment in his absence. Now, I've been going to the same dentist for five years now, so he knows I'm very laid back and flexible when it comes to these things and knew he didn't need to let me know about the switch. He could have, however, warned me about this new dentist's horrible toupée.

I'll call him Doctor Herr. Dr. Herr had what can only be described as a beaver pelt on his head, a beaver pelt with frosted tips. I had to fight the urge to ask him if he skinned it himself and then I wondered whether it had been a hairdresser's pet whom she'd used in lieu of a dummy head.

There's really no defending Dr. Herr. Firstly, what hair he had actually growing out of his scalp was noticeably gray, while his pet slept atop his scalp with greasy-looking, ruddy brown follicles and chunky blonde tips. Not to mention, the toupée and his natural hair were two different lengths -the natural plumage was clearly buzzed, while the fake hair was long and gelled with a spit curl having been plucked out over his left eyebrow.

A commenter on Gawker pondered, "would it be so fun to speculate on the identity of a rapist had his victim been a woman?" He has a point; I won't deny that, but I have to illuminate the similarity to the conundrum of why a man wearing a toupée is, let's face it, hysterical, but a woman wearing a wig is no laughing matter. Perhaps it's because men look so ridiculous with hair-helmets and dead animals on their heads.

Let me say this: one's hair should never have a proper name.

And, if you men feel I have picked on you too much, let me also bring to your attention the hysterical pictures I found on the net of "hats with hair":

There's the "hair turban," y'know, in case you ever catch yourself hairless in 1932, the bald gypsy look a la 1964 and who could forget the penis head cap?

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Get Outta My Face!

Maybe I'm a horrible person. Alright, I am a horrible person. I know I'm goin' to hell, but I'm pretty sure I'll be in good company among many of you out there. So, when I read the headline, "Facial Transplant Donors Scarce, Study Finds," I laughed out loud for a full ten minutes. I just seems the kind of thing that a scientific organization would say, doesn't it? It's like that old joke about why there are more male-to-female transsexuals than female-to-male transsexuals - it's too hard to find donors.

OK, so I know that people don't donate their penises to FTMs, but it's still a funny thought. And yes, I do know that people only donate their faces after death, but it's still tickling to imagine a group of highly educated medical professionals in a room, wondering why no one is itching to have their face removed. To make the matter even more laughable, the doctor interviewed for the article mentioned the movie Face/Off. I'm pretty sure only a moron would think the whole trading-faces-with-a-criminal scenario is even remotely plausible.

Besides which, I'm not sure anyone would want my face... God knows where it's been. For crying out loud, I'm usually the one at the dinner table that has to inform the diners that the dish they're eating actually tastes nothing like ass. OK, TMI, but you get the picture.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Photoshop: When Plastic Surgery Just Doesn't Cut It

Y'know, I wish I could be nicer to twits. It's just not in my blood, I guess. I try and I try, but I am still prejudiced against the tragically stupid. Enter Janice Dickinson and her cast of untalented, tanarexic nitwits. They're back for another season. Hear that, folks? It's your last brain cells; they're begging for a reprieve.

We all know Janice's had more work than a used FIAT, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.


My gawd! Whose lower body did Janice steal to graft onto her own for that one? I hope she paid the airbrush artist a fortune; he's bound to have developed carpel tunnel syndrome from brushing out her thighs!

I feel like a an ass - but don't I always? I have to tell you folks that one of Janice's new models, Martin is going out of his way to prove that just because someone has a disability, it doesn't mean they can't be pretentious, shallow, and delusional. I suppose I feel a bit bad for revealing this all to you, but Martin's from Austin and I've seen him out and about a few times. He's also on my Myspace friends list (hey, I don't discriminate in my cyber life nearly as much as I do in my real life - I weed-out the idiots more frequently in reality) and posts blogs and bulletins fairly frequently. I have some reservations about posting them here, but hey, I figure lots of bloggers post bulletins from other people's blogs - if they didn't want them public, why'd they post them in a public forum?

"Hello everyone,

I would like to share some wonderful news with you, my friends, Myspace friends, and importantly, my fans. I certainly don't want to inundate you at all but I just couldn't help it at all but to shout and say, "I am going to make some differences in this world!" Because I am the star in the television show, called, "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" on Oxygen's channel. I know it may be so shocking and surprising to you that I did it. It was one of the most amazing journeys that I've had in years.

Of course, I am actually deaf and was always able to challenge myself with being a Model and living in Los Angeles for years now! I am very honored to represent for the deaf community and hearing community as well. I just wanted to represent myself good in the world, completely. I am very proud of myself and that you will get to see why I refused to give up my goals and dreams. I wanted people to learn that I can continue with my promising hard work with my good attitude and to continue my time to be working with charity events, fashion shows, and with the press after the show airs in Aug. JDMA season 4 gave me a chance to step out and create my own title. I am very proud of myself.

Yes, you will be seeing me everywhere- that is my main goal because I want people to see for whom I really am and that I am absolutely ready for this next big chapter in my life. I am proud to say that I am on the way to becoming a reality TV star and becoming a professional model, as well. Despite my troubled past and what I've been through, I am blessed that I've been given this second chance.

I'd have to thank my wonderful friends that taught me so much! Even to those people that I haven't talked to in years. And to some people that were very horrible to me. I have still had to thank them enough because I am stronger, wiser and a better person now. I strongly believe that I've met those people in my life for a good reason. I couldn't have done it better without them. Importantly, thank you so much, my Marilyn Monroe.

Love and light,

Martin Ritchie"

Uhmm... Okay. You see, it's not the part about being proud to be a model or represent people who are hearing impaired (although I can bet more than a few of them want better representation), it's the part about being a "star". There are so many things wrong with that statement: 1) The show you are the "star" of has an ensemble cast of models - I'm betting Janice Dickinson would have something to say about your so called stardom, 2) the show you "star" on hasn't even been released yet.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, Martin (Pauly) has done porn. Then he released a "statement" via Myspace bulletin to all of his "fans" about how he regretted that he did porn and he was "addicted to pills" and tricked into it. Look folks, we're all entitled to do stupid things - I bought a Pat Benatar album once - but you should take responsibility for the things you've done. Before doing anything, anything at all, always ask yourself this question: will I regret this later? I'll freely admit that there are probably nude photos of me somewhere on the Internet. Am I proud of that? No, but it's true and I've got nothing to be ashamed of. If worse comes to worse, I'll just claim they're more photos of Pete Wentz.

I've also noticed the absence of the post on Martin's Myspace where he called Janice a "shallow bitch" for not casting him last year. Janice must be OK with being called-out for being a bitch now. Of course she's a shallow bitch! Have you met her? I guess it's alright to be a shallow bitch if you're willing to be a stepping-stone on the way to "reality show stardom".

Look, folks, I'd never speak ill of someone's disability, but speaking as someone with a disability, it doesn't give you free rein to be vapid, shallow, and hypocritical. Martin has a long way before he grows up.

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Quotables Of The NOW:

Let he who is without faggotry cast the first stiletto. - Shaun Industry (hey, I can quote myself! I'm named after the John the Apostle, the only Biblical author to, not only quote himself, but misquote himself.)

Observation Of The NOW:

Is it just me, or are there a lot of unintentionally gay commercials on TV lately? My perverted sense of humor, let me show you it -

#1) You've got an extraordinary nut snack.

#2) Oh, Bobby, have I got something big, with a buncha beef for you! Good thing you're in the back seat!

#3) Five dollar footlongs... Y'know, this may be the first time a guy has made this hand gesture to me and I didn't have to move his hands closer together after I saw what he was offering.

#4) The world really CAN be tough on bottoms. But some like it, so...

#5) Guy in leotard plays with his Almond Joy while his "partner" gets on top of the mounds.

Linkage Of The NOW:

They REALLY need to change the name of this post: "Matilda Ledger Has Finger Fun". (Just Jared)

"It's the sea that chicken swim in - vitamin beer!" Is it possible that Jessica Simpson isn't all that stupid, is she just drunk? (Pink Sheep of the Family)

Jason Statham does GQ, pays him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut. Now GQ can't sit down and there's blood in his BM. (Pink Is The New Blog)

Straight designer, Joe of Project Runway won the drag competition last night! Can you believe he's straight. His wife and kids can't believe he's straight. His daughter was the inspiration for his drag costume. The bed in the apartments reminds him of his daughter. His wife is so happy for him. He has a wife, they're married. His wife is a woman. He thinks there are "too many queens" on Project Runway. He doesn't like queens. He has a beard. He's not gay. HE'S NOT GAY. He's not gay!!!! Hey, here's a thought, why don't we all get together and get all the guys who aren't gay on reality TV shows about really gay things - like fashion design - T-shirts so they can stop telling us about what big strappin' straighties they are? (Blogging Project Runway)

Gap khakis are back? Okay, but just don't dig-up Brian Setzer - I can jump, jive, or wail anymore. (Gawker)

Ricky Martin welcomed twins into the world via a surrogate mother - she bangs, just not with him. He's taking a break from his busy schedule of looking pensive with facial hair, being seen as "that gay guy who sang that one song" in shopping centers all around Puerto Rico, blatantly hitting on women to prove his manhood and nailing his hairdresser to father the twins. (Jossip)

Is Paris Hilton a terrorist? Well. she's threatening to terrorize London with her presence. Someone alert Interpol. (Popsugar)

What's this? Give up? A Spencer Pratt condom. Ha! Yeah, Heidi's a virgin the way that girls in my high school were virgins till they squeezed out their third kid and actually paid the hospital bill. (Gravy and Biscuits)

Are they planning a remake of Brokeback Mountain? Cause if they are, these guys could do a much better job in the pivotal roles. (Towleroad)

Rant Of The NOW:

Someone told me that you appear on the annoying comment spammer website ( Is it true? Cause if it is, you look like you're wasting space and air and I'll be send you an e-mail so I can get your address. I want to send a hitman over right away!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hollywood Plastic Surgeons To Stars: You People Won't Be Happy Until You Have One Eye To Share Between All Of You!

Super-Fantastic Plastic prides ourselves on spotting celebrity cosmetic surgery trends, and have we got one for you today! It seems that the volumetric face lift is still struggling to catch on in Hollywood, where the face stretching stars have just switched form vertical, perpetually startled- looking face lifts to the vertical, 180 degree vision procedure.

That's right, it seems that Hollywood won't be satisfied until they have one eye, stretching from ear-to-ear and one pupil to bounce around from left to right. For example: Sandra Bernhardt has been seen looking like she has an LED ticker sign resting on her ample nose. Brad Pitt is still hunky, but he may be a cylon. Mary Tyler-Moore is out to prove "one man can make a difference" and, if Kanye West catches on to the trend, he may need to switch from the shutter-style shades a la Max Headroom to the horizontal blinds-style visor sported by Jordie LaForge.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Yikes! Lookalikes!

As frequent readers of this blog know, I'm pretty good at spotting crazy lookalikes. Yes, I frequently point-out celebrity doppelgangers on this site, usually on my Linktastic Plastic posts, but I also include them on other posts when they're relevant. I've recently come across the site - a great site from the same people that bring you I Can Has Cheezburger. I like the site so much that I've submitted some of the lookalikes that, as far as I know, I was the first to spot.

You know how the internet is though, folks... I'm sure some idiot will come on my blog a month or so from now and claim I stole submissions from TLL that I, myself, made to that site. As such, I've decided to make a preemptive strike and bring you a thorough list of all the likenesses I've pointed out on this blog, so far - I believe that I am the first to point out these likeness in most (if not all) of the following instances.

Three that I've submitted to Totally Looks Like:

Madonna = Face of Boe from Doctor Who

Andre the Giant = Michael Phelps

Thurston Howell III = Christopher Ciccone

Others I've posted, but did not submit to TLL:

Rapunzel Barbie = Larry Birkhead

Madonna = Toaster

Ed Westwick = Thurston Howell III

Cindy McCain = Cassandra from Doctor Who

Al Rocher = Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

Fergie = Amanda Lepore + RuPaul = Tyra Banks

Michaela Romanini = Geiko Caveman

Margo Tenenbaum = Creepy Suzie

D.J. Quals = LinLo's DJ SamRo

A Whole Bunch Of Celebs = Fraggle Rock Cast

Michel "Dr. Death" Maure = Karl Lagerfeld

Adam Savage = Buck Angel (FTM porn star)

Miley Cyrus = Dramatic Chipmunk + Eleanor Chipette = Hanna Montana