Photoshop: When Plastic Surgery Just Doesn't Cut It

Y'know, I wish I could be nicer to twits. It's just not in my blood, I guess. I try and I try, but I am still prejudiced against the tragically stupid. Enter Janice Dickinson and her cast of untalented, tanarexic nitwits. They're back for another season. Hear that, folks? It's your last brain cells; they're begging for a reprieve.

We all know Janice's had more work than a used FIAT, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.

Observe:


My gawd! Whose lower body did Janice steal to graft onto her own for that one? I hope she paid the airbrush artist a fortune; he's bound to have developed carpel tunnel syndrome from brushing out her thighs!

I feel like a an ass - but don't I always? I have to tell you folks that one of Janice's new models, Martin is going out of his way to prove that just because someone has a disability, it doesn't mean they can't be pretentious, shallow, and delusional. I suppose I feel a bit bad for revealing this all to you, but Martin's from Austin and I've seen him out and about a few times. He's also on my Myspace friends list (hey, I don't discriminate in my cyber life nearly as much as I do in my real life - I weed-out the idiots more frequently in reality) and posts blogs and bulletins fairly frequently. I have some reservations about posting them here, but hey, I figure lots of bloggers post bulletins from other people's blogs - if they didn't want them public, why'd they post them in a public forum?

"Hello everyone,

I would like to share some wonderful news with you, my friends, Myspace friends, and importantly, my fans. I certainly don't want to inundate you at all but I just couldn't help it at all but to shout and say, "I am going to make some differences in this world!" Because I am the star in the television show, called, "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" on Oxygen's channel. I know it may be so shocking and surprising to you that I did it. It was one of the most amazing journeys that I've had in years.

Of course, I am actually deaf and was always able to challenge myself with being a Model and living in Los Angeles for years now! I am very honored to represent for the deaf community and hearing community as well. I just wanted to represent myself good in the world, completely. I am very proud of myself and that you will get to see why I refused to give up my goals and dreams. I wanted people to learn that I can continue with my promising hard work with my good attitude and to continue my time to be working with charity events, fashion shows, and with the press after the show airs in Aug. JDMA season 4 gave me a chance to step out and create my own title. I am very proud of myself.

Yes, you will be seeing me everywhere- that is my main goal because I want people to see for whom I really am and that I am absolutely ready for this next big chapter in my life. I am proud to say that I am on the way to becoming a reality TV star and becoming a professional model, as well. Despite my troubled past and what I've been through, I am blessed that I've been given this second chance.

I'd have to thank my wonderful friends that taught me so much! Even to those people that I haven't talked to in years. And to some people that were very horrible to me. I have still had to thank them enough because I am stronger, wiser and a better person now. I strongly believe that I've met those people in my life for a good reason. I couldn't have done it better without them. Importantly, thank you so much, my Marilyn Monroe.

Love and light,

Martin Ritchie"

Uhmm... Okay. You see, it's not the part about being proud to be a model or represent people who are hearing impaired (although I can bet more than a few of them want better representation), it's the part about being a "star". There are so many things wrong with that statement: 1) The show you are the "star" of has an ensemble cast of models - I'm betting Janice Dickinson would have something to say about your so called stardom, 2) the show you "star" on hasn't even been released yet.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, Martin (Pauly) has done porn. Then he released a "statement" via Myspace bulletin to all of his "fans" about how he regretted that he did porn and he was "addicted to pills" and tricked into it. Look folks, we're all entitled to do stupid things - I bought a Pat Benatar album once - but you should take responsibility for the things you've done. Before doing anything, anything at all, always ask yourself this question: will I regret this later? I'll freely admit that there are probably nude photos of me somewhere on the Internet. Am I proud of that? No, but it's true and I've got nothing to be ashamed of. If worse comes to worse, I'll just claim they're more photos of Pete Wentz.

I've also noticed the absence of the post on Martin's Myspace where he called Janice a "shallow bitch" for not casting him last year. Janice must be OK with being called-out for being a bitch now. Of course she's a shallow bitch! Have you met her? I guess it's alright to be a shallow bitch if you're willing to be a stepping-stone on the way to "reality show stardom".

Look, folks, I'd never speak ill of someone's disability, but speaking as someone with a disability, it doesn't give you free rein to be vapid, shallow, and hypocritical. Martin has a long way before he grows up.

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