Tuesday, August 5, 2008

'The Hills' Have Fake Mounds, Want Your Eyes On Fourth Season

That's right, the fakest reality show on TV returns for a mediocre, mind-numbing fourth season. The Hills continues it's televised full-frontal lobotomy with some of the worst implants in Hollywood. And by implants, I am of course referring to Heidi Montag and Spencer the Pratt masquerading as human and hiding their true identities as giant insectoid space creatures hell bent on destroying the human race's ability to think logically.

And, of course, their are loads of fake "hills" (breasts, chins, nasal bridges and cheeks) to hypnotize every trust-funded frat douche from LA to South Carolina. The plastic people carnival continues: Lauren's got a fake schnoz, Audrina's got Barbie boobs (and she apparently likes them like her diamonds: expensive and tear-shaped), and Heidi's got more things implanted than an undercover CIA operative - I don't know for sure, but I think Spencer's boobs are implanted as well.

I'm sorry, but I cannot help but continue to denounce this show. It's clearly a sign of the coming apocalypse. I mean, a Hills producer actually compared the show to A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist! Yeah, I can see that... When I was reading Oliver Twist, I kept thinking, 'when will Ollie (OT, as I call him) start his own Rag-A-Muffin clothing line?' Actually, I think I'd compare The Hills to this generation's Hamlet - a play full of self-absorbed power-whores that's destined to end badly; full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

But there's some light at the end of this dark tunnel - LC may not be back for a fifth season. Yes, people, we may have averted Doomsday! Also, we will not be forced to see Spencer's dong in Playgirl. The Pratt started a rumor that he was offered a cool mil to appear in the straight girl's nudie mag, right before they announced they were going broke in print and focusing solely on the Internet. Jokes on you, Spence. Playgirl doesn't have a million to give you.

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