Friday, August 22, 2008

There Will Be Hair Toupée

Does Joaquin Phoenix wear a hair piece? (No, that's not really Joaquin Phoenix, but there's an eerie resemblance, isn't there?)

I went to the dentist this morning, but I would discover upon my arrival at his office that he had asked colleague to take his appointment in his absence. Now, I've been going to the same dentist for five years now, so he knows I'm very laid back and flexible when it comes to these things and knew he didn't need to let me know about the switch. He could have, however, warned me about this new dentist's horrible toupée.

I'll call him Doctor Herr. Dr. Herr had what can only be described as a beaver pelt on his head, a beaver pelt with frosted tips. I had to fight the urge to ask him if he skinned it himself and then I wondered whether it had been a hairdresser's pet whom she'd used in lieu of a dummy head.

There's really no defending Dr. Herr. Firstly, what hair he had actually growing out of his scalp was noticeably gray, while his pet slept atop his scalp with greasy-looking, ruddy brown follicles and chunky blonde tips. Not to mention, the toupée and his natural hair were two different lengths -the natural plumage was clearly buzzed, while the fake hair was long and gelled with a spit curl having been plucked out over his left eyebrow.

A commenter on Gawker pondered, "would it be so fun to speculate on the identity of a rapist had his victim been a woman?" He has a point; I won't deny that, but I have to illuminate the similarity to the conundrum of why a man wearing a toupée is, let's face it, hysterical, but a woman wearing a wig is no laughing matter. Perhaps it's because men look so ridiculous with hair-helmets and dead animals on their heads.

Let me say this: one's hair should never have a proper name.

And, if you men feel I have picked on you too much, let me also bring to your attention the hysterical pictures I found on the net of "hats with hair":

There's the "hair turban," y'know, in case you ever catch yourself hairless in 1932, the bald gypsy look a la 1964 and who could forget the penis head cap?

Possibly Related Posts:

When Adding "Just A Little More Hair Each Time" Becomes An Addiction

Does Joel McHale Have An Advancing Hair Line

It Might Be Time For Jude Law To Visit A Hair Transplantation Surgeon

Is Kevin James The King Of Transplants?


Beej the Pink Sheep said...

I naturally have the "David" I would like to purchase the "Michael." I've always wanted to be a blond.

Poor Dr. Herr. I feel sorry for him and his family. His family should do an intervention.

Shaun Industry said...

I think you'd be smashing in the "Michael", and the "James" has that edgy look you could use in conjunction with that ascot you've been wanting. ;)

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