"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
Observations Of The NOW:
We can all thank the clever Gawker readers for starting what is sure to be the next viral Internet craze when they began posting comments on a post about the douchebag, frat-boy-bitch, misogynist Tucker Max - an annoying little blogger with disgusting, probably fictitious stories of sexual conquests and mistreatment of women. Max somehow managed to string enough words together to form what he calls a book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. Well, Tuck, I hope this new meme becomes the most popular thing since Norrisisms and you have to cry yourself to sleep for the next year.
It began spontaneously, but I hope I at least get credit for naming the craze - Tucker Maxims. Oh, and I'm also adding a few Maxims of my own. Feel free to comment and leave your own. Enjoy!
Tucker Maxims:
Tucker Max anally violated my miniature schnauzer and left the entire hepatitis alphabet on my bathroom floor.
Tucker Max eats baby penguins and hates Morgan Freeman.
Tucker Max wants to mix his DNA with Perez Hilton's to create the world's most unfunny, annoying blogger.
Tucker Max controls the weather and wrote the screenplay for Glitter.
Tucker Max is actually two midgets in a James Spader costume.
Underneath Tucker Max's effeminate homosexual exterior is an actual effeminate homosexual.
Tucker Max e-mailed STDs to the entire Daily Candy mailing list.
Tucker Max is Lil' Kim in white man drag for her new comedy, White Chicks 2: White Dudes.
Tucker Max masturbates while watching Golden Girls.
Links Of The NOW:
NBC's hopes and dreams of high ratings now rest almost entirely on our favorite Andre the Giant look-alike, Micheal Phelps. (Jossip)I knew there was a reason I actually liked singer, JoJo - she was smart enough not to annoy the crap out of America as Hanna Chiptanna. (Digital Spy)
Hayden Panettiere's father, Alan Panettiere, was arrested for domestic abuse this weekend after slapping his wife at a party. Not very heroic. (Gravy and Biscuits)
Skank-in-training, Miley Cyrus, goes to church dressed as a whore (check-out the fishnet back on that monstrosity). You can bet she was sweating. (Just Jared)
Group from the Special Olympics plans boycott of the new Ben Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder - partially because it's non-culturally competent, but mostly because it sucks. (Celebitchy)
James Franco wears snap-on tool for Milk. Why exactly were they dancing naked with strap-on dildos? Who the hell's directing this movie? Chi Chi LaRue? (Daily Stab)
Jamie-Lynn Spears goes back to her roots: pumping gas and hanging-out at the Stop-n-Shop. (INF Daily)
Chinese official (dressed as pimp, left) oversees congratulatory blowjobs for Olympians. (Oh La La Mag)Human pincushion, Courtney Love is searching desperately for her career - and her dignity. Good luck! (cityrag)
This just in: Naomi Campbell's caught talking on the phone instead of throwing it at someone! (Ayyyy!)
Everyone I know owes me $50! I have proof that Paris Hilton is actually a pre-op transsexual. Look at her adjust her hotlink and naughty nuggets! Oh, and it appears a Pete Doughty impersonator is hot for tranny. (Agent BedHead)
Rant Of The NOW:
No rants for you today, but I do have to tell you of my love for the band Dragonette! Here they are doing a Calvin Harris cover, The Boys.
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