Friday, August 29, 2008

Disaster Television

While watching the History Channel and learning of our impending doom whenever a meteor collides with the North Atlantic Glacier and melts away the icy tomb of Megatron who will use the Allspice to turn the planet's machines against their human masters and we're killed by our waffle irons, hairdryers and fax machines, I realized the enormity of the disaster television market. Obviously, we all like to be told in exact and horrible detail how we're going to die. I have decided, therefore, to submit my own circumspective pieces on how I believe our world will end.

By my learned and scholarly estimation we will all perish in one of the following three ways:

1) No Woman's Land

The world's entire population is turned to exclusive homosexuality by the excessive coverage of male Olympians' behavior, bodies, and bulges at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. The show would feature commentary by whatever Focus on the Family moron can string together more than two coherent sentences. Our only salvation will come from Michael Phelps swimming upstream to the place of his birth to spawn at least 3,000 children. Unfortunately, he will have to sacrifice himself for the fate of our species, as he will almost certainly die from exhaustion.

Okay, I lied earlier - this is officially my last Olympics-related joke.

2) Death From Below

Madonna's vagina becomes so vacuous that it threatens to envelope us all. Chis Ciccone offers his nonsensical opinion on how Madge's vadge "sucks like a watermelon." Our only hope will be that Tommy Lee can unwrap his massive manhood quickly to plug Hester's hole.

3) We're All Screwed

Darth McCunt wins the election, starts firing nukes at half the known world when he finds an apprentice strong enough in the Force. Cindy McCunt laughs manically as we all perish in a fiery, nuclear hell. As I said, we'll all be screwed.

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