Thursday, August 14, 2008

Youth In Asia: Chinese Replace Michael Phelps With Someone More Attractive

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, ladies and gentleman, but Michael Phelps is a double-bagger. Not familiar with the concept? Allow me to explain. When first you decide to bed someone with an incredible body, but unfortunate face, you need two bags - one for you and one for him. Now, I typically would refer to Phelps as a head-in-the-pillow, but I figured that I'd be more all-inclusive and allow you ladies out there an option as well.

So, I wonder if China's going to replace Phelps with someone more attractive? Don't get me wrong, for every door God slams into someone's face, he opens a window on fish DNA, apparently. Phelps is probably the best Olympian of all time. I'm not entirely sure that he can't telepathically communicate with sea creatures (yes, that's an Aquaman reference) and I hear he's got a great personality - but isn't that what people always say about ugly people? Look, I'm sure he's not going to read this and stain all his bling with salty tears - I'm not completely sure if Atlantians even have tear ducts. He's got millions now and will, no doubt, be beating away cougars with a mackerel, who might be a distant relative. Not to mention, judging from the bulge in his speedo, he got the horse equipment to go with the horse face.

So, I've come under fire recently for comparing him to Andre the Giant and calling him a butterface. I ask you though, has the blogosphere turned Communist? Since when is it not okay to express an opinion that isn't popular? When did we all decide to pretend that we live in some magic brownie, Xanex-laced world where no one can express an opinion unless it's "nice", hmmm? Since when do bloggers go around bullying others into submission because their opinion is "too mean"?

Well, never fear, true believers! Here in the Shaunosphere, you can have any opinion you want and I can tell you exactly why it's wrong (just joking, no hate mail please). You can disagree with me anytime and in anyway you want, as long as you don't mind being foolish (again, still joking). Just remember these words, folks: opinions are like sphincter muscles - every asshole's got one.

This has been your Shaun Industry rant for the day. Thank you! *curtsy*

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