Sunday, August 3, 2008

Chronic Masturbators Heave A Sigh Of Relief (Ewwww...)

Self-love enthusiasts all over the world rejoice as German surgeons (many of them former plastic surgeons) pull the teeth of a monster that's been haunting them for ages: the inability to rock one's own casbah due to double limb amputation. That's right folks, no longer do double amputees have to worry about being considered rude for not covering their mouths when they cough.

Surgeons at Klinikum Rechts des ISAR at the Technical University of Munich (Technische Universität München) in Munich, Germany performed the world's first whole arm transplant last week, transplanting two whole limbs to a 54-year-old German farmer who lost both arms in a farming accident. The name of the farmer to receive the new appendages has not yet been released.

Forty specialists took over fifteen hours to complete the operations (split into two teams in two operating theaters to work on one of the two arms). The procedure was lead by Prof. Hans-Günther Machens (head of Plastics and Hand Surgery for the clinic) , Dr. Christoph Höhnke (head of transplants and senior surgeon for the Plastics and Hand Surgery Department) and Prof. Edgar Biemer (former Chief of Plastic Surgery at the Clinic). The three lead teams of German surgeons with, no doubt, similarly guttural sounding names - ah, German: the language of heartburn.

The farmer is currently undergoing immuno-suppressant drug therapy to help ward-off donor rejection. The chance for rejection is strong, due to the fact that the upper arms have large deposits of bone marrow genetically linked to the donor. The patient will have to remain on the drugs for life and it will be two years before he should be able to move the arms.

The arms came from an unknown teenager - so you know they've mastered(bated?) the art of quick, refined movement needed to squeeze out some tadpoles - who died in a car crash. A middle-aged man with the limbs of a teenager? SFP is wishing this German farmer many happy... errr... "returns".

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