Saturday, August 2, 2008

Niki Blonsky: Amateur Teenage Plastic Surgeon Performs Successful Assholoplasty

assholoplasty (n) - a complicated medical procedure used by street surgeons with no prior training, but plenty of experience, to rip a bitch a new asshole.

19-year-old Hairspray star, Niki Blonsky, is an accomplished plastic surgeon. Dr. Blonsky was tasked with performing the complicated assholoplasty procedure on the entire family of Next Top Model's Bianca Golden in Turks and Caicos. Blonsky had no time to prep and asked her father to assist her as she got straight to work at the Providenciales International Airport.

The procedure was necessitated when Golden's mother attempted to move a bag belonging to the Blonsky family. I have it on good authority (my own) that the bag was filled with Hostess snowballs and Little Debbie oatmeal pies. Seeing the bag touched by hands other than her own, Dr. Blonsky rushed into action and started the procedure.

The operation often involves a great deal of neck swiveling and, unfortunately, Dr. Blonsky injured her neck during the procedure, requiring her to wear a neck brace. Mama Golden was flown to a hospital in Miami to recuperate from the ordeal.

The people of Turks and Caicos were so thankful to the Blonsky family and their stepping-up in their time of need that they invited the entire clan back to the beautiful islands this fall. As a show of support for the recovery of the Goldens, the Turks and Caicos government offered them a similar arrangement. The families already have their first appearance booked: they're opening a courtroom on the islands.

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