Sunday, August 3, 2008

Missing Links Found

Truth Of The NOW:

We're getting more attention than a one-legged, epileptic hooker!

Exclusive Of The NOW:

The Montauk Monster's identity has been revealed to me. It turns out that our little monster is actual a failed cross-species fertility experiment. Yes indeedy, this little monster was actually the first child of Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Sadly, the cross-species (half human and half whatever-the-hell-Ashlee-Simpson-is) experiment didn't make it and tried escaping off the island that the government flew it to after birth. Perhaps it was just born too far from the Emo high-holiday of Halloween. Rest in peace, Montauk Simpson-Wentz.

Observations Of The NOW:

It seem that Hollywood is intent on destroying all the great movies of the Generation X childhood - evidenced by the rumor of a Ghostbusters remake with Steve Carell and Seth Rogan. Why? Why is Hollywood on a mission to piss on everything I once loved? First it was The Dukes Of Hazard, then Garfield and now, it's Ghostbusters. Enough is enough!

You know what? Two can play that game, Tinseltown! So, here it is - I'm announcing my remake of Fraggle Rock!!! I've given a lot of thought to casting and here is the superior line-up:

Whadya think about that, LA? Huh? Stings, don't it? Well, that's what you get. Geez, listen to me... I bet it won't take four months before some scrotum bag producer actually thinks this is a good idea and steals it. I'm sorry in advance, moviegoers.

Linkage Of The NOW:

Welcome to the only gossip site on the Internet that isn't bombarding you with images of Knox and Vivienne "We-Have-Too-Many-Goddamn-Siblings-In-Our-Family-Because-
Our-Parents-Want-To-Be-The-F*c^king-Waltons" Jolie-Pitt. (Celebitchy)

The Wicked Wick of the West, Ed Westwick, proves he's not gay by getting dressed in the dark. His strategy might work a little better if he weren't also carrying an over-sized purse. The pants aren't pastel, but can't the guy just hire the old woman that used to dress The New Kids On The Block, or are they out-bidding him now that they're back together? (Pink Is The New Blog)

It keeps getting funnier and funnier... Eddy and Chace Crawford are seen at the Teen Choice Awards butting heads. Later that night, they "butted heads" again. You know, there's a nasty, mean rumor going around the Internets that Chace bends over backwards, but mostly forwards, for Ed. I just want to do my part in clearing up that vicious lie. Obviously, Ed's the bottom. (Just Jared)

Speaking of the Teen Choice Awards, David Achuleta's odd (creepy) relationship with Dadager continues. David, if you can hear me, tunnel your way out and head toward the light. We'll smuggle you into the gay underground railroad. (JJ's Dirt)

I don't get this obsession men and women have with Michael Phelps. To me, he looks like a skinner, shorter Andre the Giant. Must say though, nice 'stache, dude! Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1899! (Oh La La Mag)

A new cast of airheads has lined-up for the fourth season of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency with hopes of success and fame. Well, we all know how well that's worked out in the past. I mean, who could forget... uhmmm... that girl she called fat and made cry, or that other girl she called fat and made cry, or that guy she called gay and made cry, or... or... oh shit, just forget it! (Seriously, OMG! WTF?)

1992 has come to China in the form of buzzing words into your hair. Hey, I'm all for the Chinese getting freedom of speech, but I draw the line at freedom to look like a douche. They're just begging for a John Mayer concert. (Ayyyy!)

Rumer Willis confounds me. I have no idea why she chose to leave her cave to live with Bruce and Demi. To top that off, she continues to suffer from delusions of adequacy. (Daily Stab)

Rihanna's taking fashion tips from Ed Westwick. (Pop Sugar)

Flying nun costume redesigned by Santino Rice from Project Runway for Anja Kruse. (Go Fug Yourself)

Katie Holmes prepares for her role as Rizzo in Grease... what? Wait... you mean she chose to look like that? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? (Evil Beet Gossip)

Is Michel "Doctor Death" Maure gonna ditch the bad toupee and continue to impersonate Karl Lagerfeld? Why not? Karl Lagerfeld even impersonates Karl Lagerfeld. (Fake Karl)

Celebrity coke-whore, Kate Moss made her way to Ibiza in Spain. No word yet if Ibiza still has sand, or if Kate snorted it all in desperation. (The Bastardly)

It was all just a medication mix-up. Amy Winehouse didn't know she wasn't supposed to mix black tar heroine with Jack Daniels and cough syrup. She reports it tastes exactly like Red Bull. (Glitterati Gossip)

Tyra Banks is still masquerading as human, impersonates lady with class. (Crunk + Disorderly)

Rant Of The NOW:

I hate gay men that kiss my hand like I'm some sort of nineteenth-century lady. I'm a man, you wingnut! It's not charming, it's smarmy. Shake my hand, don't kiss it.

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