Friday, August 15, 2008

Linkin' Love

Anecdote Of The NOW:

When I was in college, everyone wanted a pen from the Austin Sperm Bank. They were just ordinary, cheap pens, but they had 'Why Not Get Paid For It' stenciled in white along the side.

Of course, ASB pens had the habit of disappearing, but I had a friend (Jillian) whose sister worked at the sperm bank. With a steady source, I was no longer worried about loosing them. I was sitting in the drama building one day with a group of friends and a guy I had a crush on joined our group as my friend Margo was laughing at one of the pens. He had never seen one and instantly wanted one and, of course, I gave it to him.

Then, Jillian walked up and wanted to know what we were talking about. Now, Jillian was an odd duck. She would often pick up non-contagious diseases from others. Once, she told a friend who was blind in one eye, that she too was blind in the same eye - except Jillian's blindness was worse. This time around, however, she had caught a case of deafness and went around screaming at everyone for an entire week.

When Jillian saw what we were looking at, she immediately yelled, "Oh yeah, when I go to the sperm bank, I grab handfuls!" Her unofficial announcement was heard by the entire theater building - great acoustics - which was full of people waiting to see three shows playing in all of the theaters that day.

Observation Of The NOW:

What the hell is it with these new chick-lit inspired, fashion product placement shows and movies? On the small screen, we have Cashmere Mafia, Gossip Girl, and Lipstick Jungle and on the big screen, we have the The Devil Wears Prada - that'll probably be followed-up by the newest adaptation from the book by the same author, Chasing Harry Winston.

So, I've decided to get in on the action. First, I'm going to start on the small screen with Satin Institution, then Mascara Nursing Home. And my new novels, which are sure to become movie adaptations, The Pirate Wears Fur and, soon to be classic, Beating the Sh*t Outta Coco Chanel.

Linkage Of The NOW:

I'm tired of all these accusations that Molly Shannon is funny. (Gawker)

You know how the Lohans became famous? They just faked it. (Yeeeah)

Old dog, Brooke Hogan, might be turning new tricks, but she's still in the habit of repetitive behavior - like licking herself over-and-over. She's recently proven that her brain is composed almost entirely of hair with a new blog about how much she hates blogging (does Brooke know the meaning of irony) and how she's a dumb bimbo. At least she's self-aware. (Celebitchy)

Chlamydia De La Hoya is dating Hepatitis C. Lee. (Gravy and Biscuits)

Did Michael Phelps have plastic surgery? Make Me Heal Steal's Lisa Stearn asks a stupid question - the stupid answer is a rather obvious 'NO', stupid. Stern continues to make a mockery of the words "news" and "journalism" by posting articles that qualify as neither. Stern is also the dimwit that all but stole a post off this site and sold it for the lucrative fee of "$10 to $20" bucks to the lackluster cosmetic medicine site. But hey, she said that Phelps should "have his crooked teeth fixed", so all you soccer moms with a thing for Manolo's safe, fuzzy writing can attack her now! And... GO! (Make Me Heal)

The worst show nobody's watching, Gossip Girl, continues - we don't know why either. (Just Jared)

Y'know, I just can't bring myself to make fun of a woman like Kate Beckinsale, who freely compares her ginormous hands to a transsexual's. (Daily Stab)

Paris Hilton's using her brains - both of 'em. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Fox News Channel is still trying to be successful in passing for a respectable news station as a proud transnews channel. It's been living full-time as a news network and taking hormones, but it's still not passable. (Queerty)

This is what happens when Javier Bardem forgets to shave. (Snark Food)

I think I'm going to have to report this dog's owner for animal abuse. (Pink Is The New Blog)

The city of Philly's found a new motto. (Phillyist)

Rant Of The NOW:

I know this rant is not going to be popular; then again, I've been popular, so why would I start now? I have to say it folks. As great as Olympic athletes are, they don't qualify as heroes in my book. Heroes have to go through much more important trials than beating speed records and distance measurements. Heroes have to overcome much more than gravity and physics.

Heroes are people like Seth Chwast, an unbelievably talented 20-year-old autistic artist who cannot even speak an entire sentence, but has managed to turn the art world on its head over his inspired and inspiring work. Cupcake Brown, an abused foster child and runaway who became addicted to crack and alcohol, but later straightened up her life to go to law school and become a partner in one of the largest law firms in the nation is a hero also. Augusten Burroughs, who grew-up in a severely dysfunctional family with an insane mother who later gave custody of the boy to an equally insane psychiatrist and his family lived through hell. Burroughs later became a near-hopeless alcoholic, but recovered to become one of the most noteworthy writers of our time. These people qualify as heroes in my eyes, not athletes. They are just ordinary people who had the odds stacked against them, but they succeeded anyway.

I'm sorry to all those Olympians out there, but I'm fairly positive that some (if not most) of them would agree with me on this.


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