Niki Blonsky: Amateur Teenage Plastic Surgeon Performs Successful Assholoplasty

assholoplasty (n) - a complicated medical procedure used by street surgeons with no prior training, but plenty of experience, to rip a bitch a new asshole.


19-year-old Hairspray star, Niki Blonsky, is an accomplished plastic surgeon. Dr. Blonsky was tasked with performing the complicated assholoplasty procedure on the entire family of Next Top Model's Bianca Golden in Turks and Caicos. Blonsky had no time to prep and asked her father to assist her as she got straight to work at the Providenciales International Airport.

The procedure was necessitated when Golden's mother attempted to move a bag belonging to the Blonsky family. I have it on good authority (my own) that the bag was filled with Hostess snowballs and Little Debbie oatmeal pies. Seeing the bag touched by hands other than her own, Dr. Blonsky rushed into action and started the procedure.

The operation often involves a great deal of neck swiveling and, unfortunately, Dr. Blonsky injured her neck during the procedure, requiring her to wear a neck brace. Mama Golden was flown to a hospital in Miami to recuperate from the ordeal.

The people of Turks and Caicos were so thankful to the Blonsky family and their stepping-up in their time of need that they invited the entire clan back to the beautiful islands this fall. As a show of support for the recovery of the Goldens, the Turks and Caicos government offered them a similar arrangement. The families already have their first appearance booked: they're opening a courtroom on the islands.

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Miley Cyrus: Chipette Wants A New Chin

Okay, first of all, y'all need to recognize - it ain't easy finding a picture of "Smiley Miley" acting dramatic, or with any sort of accomplishment. I don't think she should've apologized for the Vanity Fair shot. It's the only photograph to compare to thousands of others that demonstrate her emotional range: from dumb-ass goofy grin, numbers 1 - 1,000,000, all the way to mildly constipated, as captured by Annie Leibovitz and airbrushed to an oil painting by nameless Vanity Fair graphic artists.

Our favorite Chippette, Miley Cyrus, can't stand her jutting jaw and rounded chin. A source close to the Cyrus family tells Star Magazine that Miley's itching to get underneath a surgeon's scalpel. I'm also willing to stake a sizable amount that, heading down the skanky path she's currently navigating, she'll be itching from other things in other places by getting underneath other men and their 'tools'.

At only 15, Papa Cyrus won't let Hannah Chiptana resort to plastic surgery just yet, says the source. The patriarch of the Cyrus clan tries to get Miley to take it all in stride and have a little pride in her trademark Cyrus chin. Who knew Billy Ray had some common sense? Don't tell my heart, Billy, my achy-breaky heart that you may not be as big and dumb a redneck as we thought. I just don't think he'd understand.

If Miley were a completely grown woman, then I'd say that she shouldn't let what someone else thinks stop her from doing something that she wants to do to make herself a little more happy with the image she presents to the world. Alas, she'd still got at least three years before she's a legal adult and God knows how many more years - being that she lives in Hollywood - after that before logical thinking kicks in.

If a surgeon were to work on Miley's prominent chin, he'd have a few options. The best option being facial contouring: taking fat from some areas of the face and grafting them to others. He could also use facial implants - either by themselves or along with fat transfer. Your face shape can be easily changed by a surgeon -whether for the better or the worse is really up to you choosing a talented and ethical plastic surgeon.

As we at SFP have said before, plastic surgery is not for children. Teenagers' and young adults' bodies and facial structure change all the time. Plus, you never know when something that seemed like a good idea when your a teenager will become a regrettable mistake as an adult. Speaking of which, does anybody know where I can get this Thunder Cats tattoo lasered off?

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Exclusive Of The NOW:

Well, kiddies, exciting news! I have a new post from Audrina Patridge's blog where she tries to type her name with her boobs!!!

Here it is:

aoir'hewgibvkanhf.dbhKLSFnBLAKrbkvhalrbhlgoaihe
bjl
;lasnb:JAOR:jbg;aowrugj9paseryhgo;iashye;rilhvn/alrogupqj'dfiohqerg'
o9wyliha'lrghopaiwerhygli'h'aerphg'pejrwgkhaslrghoaw'eriyghaegr

Oh, sorry. Audrina, that looks more like 'Pam Anderson'. Better try again. (No, for those that are wondering, I didn't really steal this from Audrina. I made it up - still, it can't be far from the truth.)

Observation Of The NOW:

San Diego-based publisher, IDW has created a set of comic books detailing the lives and careers of both Barack Obama and John McCain.

Observation the first - if you're going to be a comic book President, you must put your fists to your hips in classic double-teapot style.

Observation the second -


That's all I'm saying. Are my political leanings showing? Hey, I say, if it ain't Barack, it needs fixin'. Regardless of that, you can't tell me the red mist rising from McCunt's feet on the comic's cover isn't vaguely Sith-ish.

Links Of The NOW:

Our favorite Thurston Howell III impersonator, Ed Westwick, was spotted at a bar last Wednesday sucking face with some random chick, or so says his publicist... errr... an undisclosed source. The "source" continues to say that Ed led the fag hag girl out by the hand very quickly, but he still had time to wink at a "hot brunette." Rich young gay men with "roomates" never try to get flirtatious with women in public to hide their true sexuality. [/sarcasm] (dlisted)

And speaking of beards (if you don't get the reference, you may need a gaytionary), James Franco talked to the New York Times about kissing his on-screen-boyfriend and Milk costar, Sean Penn. Alas, the beautiful Mr. Franco wouldn't make a good gay man - he apparently doesn't like getting hair in his mouth. (Towleroad)

And speaking of fellatio, the nickname for the coupledom that is Beyonce and Jay-Z is B-Jay. Cut to this photo of the two out on the town with Beyonce wearing pants that have stains at the knees. What can I say, folks? Sometimes you have to write a joke and sometimes the jokes write themselves. (Bossip)

A bitch on the beach... and she has a dog. I think Janice Dickinson is perfect for the model-mentoring business - every time I see her, I want to vomit. (Celebslam)

Professional hot-mess, Tara Reid, looks like she's having problems keeping her balance. It's probably those lopsided implants. Seriously, are you trying to become the next Courtney Love, Tara? Even Courtney Love doesn't want to be the next Courtney Love. (I'm Not Obsessed)

Kim KardASSian (Cardassian? Freaky resemblance, don't you think? I know, I'm sorry about the geek-chic humor) shows off her chest cheeks at McDonald's. She may have nice - cosmetically enhanced - all-beef patties upfront, but her soon-to-be sesame-seeded buns in the back scream for a Jenny Craig intervention. (Ayyyy!)

Future has-beens, The Jonas Brothers, are on the cover of Rolling Stone. I'm not really sure why. It seems the three sing crappy pop songs about love to girls in braces and training bras. I'm told they're quite popular. I can't wait to see them on Celebrity Fit Club in ten years! (I'm Bringing Blogging Back)

Rant Of The NOW:

I hate txt messaging. I really, really loath it. This is no ordinary loathe, Sade. This is a farm-fresh, hand-raised malice born of a deep-seeded scorn, suckled from pure bile. I despise any form of communication where it's de rigeur to spell with numbers. It's one step above smoke signals, and one below Semaphore.

News Of the NOW:

Super-Fantastic Plastic now has its own domain! We are sticking with our blogspot hosting for the moment, but now you can reach us directly at SuperFantasticPlastic.com and be redirected to the blog, or you can just continue to get to us via www.superfantasticplastic.blogspot.com. Don't worry, you don't have to change your favorites or you RSS settings. You don't have to change nothin' if you don't wanna. But hey, now you can tell people that are unaware of our fabulousness how to reach us in an easier way!

Cher to Kathy Griffin: 'Suck It, Bizitch - Plastic Rules!'

You might want to re-think the whole no-more-plastic-surgery thing now, Kathy - Cher's got an Academy Award, an Emmy, a Grammy, three Golden Globes and her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And it seems, she's got you beat on cosmetic surgical procedures, as well. Although the exact number is unknown, Cher has - by her own report - spent a "small fortune" on plastic surgery.

Although Kathy, the spunky redhead, has claimed that their will be no more plastic surgery for her, Cher (62) has just been spotted leaving a medical center in California in a pair of over-sized glasses to hide most of her face sparking more plastic surgery rumors. Cher Believe(s) in life with plastic surgery, it seems.

Share and Cher I Like

More Cherology: Cher is the only female recording artist to ever have Top 10 hits in every decade of her career. She is also the oldest female with a song in the top ten. Her smash 1998 single, Believe is the third best-selling single to be released by a female artist worldwide, the eight best-selling song of the 90's, the biggest-selling ever for Warner Bro. Records and the biggest-selling dance song of all time, selling 10 million copies worldwide.

You might wanna be more like Cher than Brit-Brit or Amy Wine-Always-In-The-House... They're a flash in the pan compared to Cher.

(Source: ContactMusic.com)

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My Dreams Of Starting 'Project Vagina, Down Under' Have Been Quashed

Australian gynecologists and obstetricians, seeing a rash of unhealthy vaginas (ewww...) due to poorly performed cosmetic female genital operations like rejuvenation (tightening of the vagina), reshaping and hymen restoration, have decided to blacklist all cosmetic vaginal operations in the country.

The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have asked doctors to refrain from performing any "revirgination" (hymenoplasty) or "designer vaginoplasty" due to the risk of irreparable damage. Complications for the surgeries can include scarring, infections and altered sexual sensations after surgery.

English model, Jordan has recently undertaken the procedure to better please her husband. Also, comedian Kathy Griffin - although she's recently sworn off plastic surgery - has joked that she would undergo vaginoplasty "if things start to sag down there." Both women may be lucky not to be Aussies... No fuzzy dice or kangaroo-shaped labias for your vah-jay-jays in the outback, ladies. You might still be able to get that new car scent, though.

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... and a bad shoe designer, a bad author, a bad friend - the list is seemingly endless. It's going to take some disaster of nightmarish proportions to end the torment that is 27-year-old Paris Hilton.

For her next artistic abortion, Ms. Hilton will star as the plastic-surgery-obsessed Amber Sweet in the new rock opera, Repo! The Genetic Opera. The part will no doubt test Paris' acting abilities, primarily to discover if they do indeed exist. Hey, scientists once thought coelacanths didn't exist either... Judging from her past resume, however, Hilton is likely to be this production's dead fish.

Still, I wouldn't give too much credit to the makers of Repo!; they are, after all, the producers of Saw - you know, the movie that answered that age-old question: what came first, the filming or the plot?

Paris has already done some character study with her nose (and possibly a few other things) having been previously hacked off and replaced by the cute button you see before you in the picture above. Also in the picture, Paris teaches us the ancient Chinese secret to making people believe you know how to read: first, grab the closest book you can find without pastel colors on the front or crayons nearby, then open said book and tug on your non-prescription glasses while thinking about unicorns.

(Source: MTV News)

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Free Online "Face Lift"!!!

Hello and welcome to the Super-Fantastic Plastic Online Beauty Clinic!

I hear you're interested in our five minute, complete facial makeover procedure, yes? Good! The following is a cosmetic procedure that can be performed completely online in only five minutes and doesn't involve any knives or needles. And unlike other cosmetic procedures, I can guaranty that this procedure will not only make you more beautiful, but it will make you more popular and genuinely happy.

Let me assure you, you are in good hands with me. My name's Dr. Shaun Industry and I've trained at the same illustrious places as such famous physicians as; Dr. Dre, Dr. T and the Women and Dr. Pepper.

Let's get started, shall we? First, we're going to need to get you anesthetized. We need you completely numb and void of any feeling whatsoever. I've developed an online anesthetic procedure just for this purpose. I must warn you, although this process is completely different than being anesthetized in a physical clinic, it is no less dangerous.

I want you to get ready to click your Internet browser's back button within five seconds (remember: stay on the linked page ONLY five minutes at most, any more could cause permanent damage) of clicking the upcoming link. Ready? We'll do this slowly, together. One... Two... Three... Click here.

Are you back? Feeling completely numb, yet mildly nauseated? Don't worry; this too shall pass.

Are you ready for your "face lift"? Yes? Brilliant! Here it comes...

Browsing through the bookstore today, I ran across this little gem:


God, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: take out the trash and stop smoking pot with your friends in the neighbor's basement!

This wonderful tome throws such pearls before swine - or vise-versa, I'm not really sure which - as: "Have you ever had a zit? Well, Jesus probably did, too. He knows what that's like."

Yes, and who could possibly forget that CLASSIC moment when Jesus was caught by Mary and Joseph after he snuck back into the manger of his birth, turned water into Pabst Blue Ribbon and had a keger?

You see? That didn't hurt at all, did it? I bet your feeling the "lift" as we speak. Now, remember, you can perform this procedure an infinite number of times yourself, in the privacy of your own home. And if you need a little help, just bookmark this site, okay?